Posted by He Said
There are many laws and rules which shape our lives and the world we live in. Gravity, Physics, Murphy’s Laws and a more specific but particular favorite of mine is the If You Have Been Married For Any Length Of Time You Will Be Required To Purchase Feminine Hygiene Products For Your Wife Law. Now let me be clear, I don’t find this embarrassing or awkward in any way. It’s life. In fact, there is something particularly enjoyable about being asked if I would mind “picking something up” when I KNOW it’s going to give me fodder for a good mocking.
My wife looks at me all doughy eyed as this is going to be a HUGE inconvenience for me. “Will you pick up some panty liners for me?”
YES. In my head I am already processing, realizing that there is a good joke in here somewhere. In fact I thought about it so much I apparently stood there looking dumbfounded because I paused long enough for her to ask if it was a big deal, and then for her to retract her question. After a bit of convincing that no, really, this is just funny for me because the If You Have Been Married For Any Length Of Time You Will Be Required To Purchase Feminine Hygiene Products For Your Wife Law has just kicked in and I think its funny.
So I ask “What kind?”
She Said: “It doesn’t matter.”
Me ( very skeptical ): “What size?”
She Said ( very mockingly ): “There is only one size.”
Me: (throw skeptical WTF are you saying look).
She: (throws are you an idiot look)
Me: (quickly retract skeptical WTF look and say) “Ok, I will get some at the store.”
Now in a society that has human beings of many shapes and sizes I just assumed that there would be super tiny panty liners for oh say a size 0 woman. Everything we buy has choices to be made. For a moment I thought I just MIGHT be right about this (I was right once before) and then the moment passed and I realized that of course I MUST be wrong. There probably is only one kind of panty liner. Right? Getting my wife’s preferred panty liner details was like pulling teeth.
When I finally got to the Feminine Hygiene products aisle I see that I was right. There is more variation in panty liners than Ford has in its auto lineup. To prove it I had to use the panorama app on my phone to capture it.
So the texting conversation went a little something like this.
Me: There is only one kind (include picture above).
She: LMAO. Unscented. I don’t care what brand.
Me: What brand do u usually buy. Only generic say unscented.
She: Always. I think. Usually grab the best deal. Go figure.
The cheapest unscented brand was a box of 24 for like a dollar. I KNEW if I brought this home there would be something about them that was wrong. I just couldn’t get myself to do it. I couldn’t find the Always brand in unscented. So I started browsing the various types. Just a small sampling of the “one size” as my wife put it.
Regular, regular with wings, regular with wings scented, long, long with wings, long with wings with baking power, all night, super thin and all variations in between. My favorite choice of all were the thong shaped. I thought about bringing those home just for fun to prove that I could screw this up somehow.
In the end I found a non $1 brand that met the detailed requirements and purchased those.
This blog is the follow up to the mocking my wife got when I got home. I don’t think I will be letting this go anytime soon, and as such, I don’t think I will be asked to buy panty liners anytime soon.