Bathroom Musings

Posted by He Said

And now for something a little lighter.

Ask anyone in my family and they will tell you that when I go to take "my morning constitutional" as my father called it, I have a tendency to lose track of time. I might find myself reading a good news story, or shopping for my latest "obsession".

Many times though I find myself playing a game (get your head out of the gutter). It doesn't even have a name. It's one I have played since I was a young boy. Ok. Go write your dirty comments, then come back and finish.

Lets call it Bathroom Musings for the lack of a better name. If I stare at an object, a shape or pattern I start pulling images from them. If I had any sort of artistic skills they would be great inspiration for drawings.

The large tiles in our bathroom have a numerous number of animals, shapes and objects in them, and they change every time I stare at it. Especially depending on my mood. Here is the main whole tile I see at my feet.

Just the other morning, I was in a good mood and the first shape I saw was a heart. A plain and simple heart. Do you see it...

Then as I stare at it, it starts to get a little more complicated.  Like the roaring lion! He is facing left.  His nose is probably the most defined.  Do you see it?

Then on darker days there are evil characters sometimes.  Demons and ghouls. Like this evil face with the Bob's Big Boy hair and depending on how you look at it, he might have an over sized head with a little black body riding on a broomstick.  Yes. I have been watching ALL the Harry Potter movies with the kids.

Maybe I will post some more as I see them (if you care to see more, let me know).  Do any of you play a game like this?

Who are you again and why am I naked?

I am back.  I know, its been a long time since I have blogged.  I was kidnapped by agents of The Company.  I can’t talk about it, if I did, I would have to kill you.

After my daring escape I was left with severe injuries to my shoulder and right elbow.  Those coupled with my prior foot issues left me in a great deal of pain and crippled by night terrors of my torture and abuse from The Company. 

Really, its just so horrifying I can’t talk about it. 

So like any injured superspy I went to my local physician who subscribed a plethora of medications to help ease me back into society. These were not without side effects which were pointed out to me in a rather public way.

Several weeks ago the family attended another of Braedyn’s soccer games.  As we were heading toward the field I asked “which one are we on this week.”

Susanne replies “The same as last week.”

It was obvious to me that we were NOT headed towards the field we played on the week before so I say with absolute confidence (because you all know I am NEVER wrong) “no, we were on that field over there.”

My wife gives me a look that really couldn’t have been described any less than “are you fucking kidding me?” and says just as gently “UH NO, we were on THIS field over here,” pointing again in the WRONG direction (because you see, I KNOW I am right).

“Uh No, we sat right over there, “ I confidently point. 

At which point another mom from the soccer team replies. “No, that was the week before.  Last week we sat right here.” Pointing again in the opposite direction that MY PERFECT mind remembers.

And then Susanne leans over and says “Wow, those drugs did a real number on you.  I KNEW something was wrong last week.”

What? Me? In a complete altered state.  Well my dear readers, it turns out she was right (just this once we will let her pretend it happens more often than not).  I sat down (it so happens in almost the exact same spot as the prior week) and that’s when the small flashes of memory started coming back. 

It was like being in a really cool action movie, glimpses of memory coming back in quick little flashes, like in a Michael Bay movie where everything moves really fast and nothing makes any sense but you don’t care because it just LOOKS cool. Except it was flashes of my life which is more like the movie Parenthood except my wife is much hotter than Mary Steenburgen and I am so way better looking than Steve Martin, and funnier, except when I blog because I don’t want him to feel bad.

So it’s time for my meds again.  Now what was I doing and where are my pants?