Out of the Mouth of Babes

I am going to update these sayings as they occur. I don’t want them to be lost.

June 2012
Family friend: Hey, Blondie!
Emily: I’m not Blondie.
Family friend: Yes you are, Blondie!
Emily: <in her disgruntled voice> I am not! I used to be but then I cut my hair!
August 2010
Susanne had a conversation with Braedyn trying to explain evolution and how man evolved from monkeys.  A few days later I am telling a story and explained that it happened to me a long time ago.  Braedyn asks:
"Is that when you were hairy and had a tail?"
July 2010
Heading through the agricultural checkpoint Braedyn says:
"This is where they check to make sure you don't have bugs in your hair. Right?"
January 2010
We had a few great friends over one night for a dinner party, and one couple has a sharp, witty, and beautiful little girl one year younger than Braedyn. The adults were all sitting around the table after dinner talking about Food Inc. and life in general over some wine when Braedyn comes running out of his room to say:
Braedyn: <beaming> Guess what? Lola kissed me!
Adults: <chuckles>
Me: Where did she kiss you, Braedyn?
Braedyn: <boisterously> In my room!!!
November 2009
Me: Would you like to go to a park?
Braedyn: I was kinda wanting to get a donut.
Me: <chuckling> I was hoping to get you outside while it is nice and let you play.
Braedyn: <with a big smile> Well, we could go outside to eat our donuts!
October 2009
Greg: Did Bo [Braedyn’s teddy bear] get a bath today?
Me: No, I didn’t get another load of clothes going.
Greg: <jokingly> slaaaaaaaaaaaacker!
Braedyn: slaaaaaaaaaaaaacker!
Emily: slaaaaaaaaaap her!
Me: Ow! <doubled over with a cramp in my side>
Braedyn: Are you ok?
Me: Yes, thanks. It’s just a cramp.
Braedyn: Maybe it’s growing veins.
August 2009
After spending a lot of time following the directions to build a Spiderman space ship made of Legos:
Me: That is SO cool, Braedyn! It kicks bum-bum!
Braedyn: <big smile and a giggle> Yes, it does. Spiderman could save the world with this. <pause> If it was bigger. <another pause> And if it wasn’t made out of toys. <yet another pause> And if it was real.
DIY Network was on when the TV was turned on, and Braedyn wanted to watch the construction activity going on the show called Wasted Spaces. I turned it off thinking that’s what he wanted, and he got upset and said, “I want to watch Wisted Spices!” I replied, “You mean, Wasted Spaces.” He got upset again and said, “No, it is called Wisted Spices, WISTED SPICES!!” I couldn’t help but laugh because the show is hosted by an English dude... with a thick accent.
June 2009
After brushing his teeth tonight, Braedyn had blue toothpaste smeared all over his mouth. Greg filled the palm of his hand with water and asked Braedyn to put his mouth in the water so he could wipe off the toothpaste. Braedyn leaned over and inhaled at the same time, causing him to get a nose full of water. Greg said, “Buddy, I just wanted you to put your mouth in the water,” to which Braedyn replied, “But my nose is too close to my mouth!”
While sitting at the table coloring, Emily made up her own song with these lyrics: “Sometimes Mommy says yes! And sometimes Mommy says no.” Then she told me she didn’t want to go to jail.
5/20/2009
Dad: Emily, since today is your mommy’s birthday I need you to listen to her words, make good choices, not fight with your brother and just try to give mommy a great day. ok?
Emily: Ok daddy, after I finish my movie.
5/2009
I handed Emily a green goldfish cracker while she was coloring. She picked up the green crayon and said, “This is the same color!” In my forever attempt to teach Emily her colors, I asked her what color it was. She replied, “It’s the fish cracker color.”
After seeing a bulging vein in my arm, Emily points to it and says, “That’s what aliens have.”
After finally noticing a wedding picture of Greg and me in the hallway, Emily says to me, “Mommy, when I get bigger, will you marry me?”
I’ve had a cold, so the kids know that I can’t give them kisses on the lips because I don’t want them to catch it. When Greg went in to Emily’s room to kiss her goodnight, she told him not to kiss her on the lips. She had the “hippups” and didn’t want him to catch them.
4/2009
While telling ghost stories in the dark in my closet, Braedyn says: And the monster turned into a giant! A huge giant! Huger than the other giants. Huger than trees! HUGER than squirrels!
Braedyn: Are there people inside the Ninja Turtles?
Greg: No, they are supposed to be real turtles.
Braedyn: <look of slight confusion> But, they aren’t very slow.
Greg: And thus the irony of NINJA turtles.
Emily: Color with me, Mommy.
Me: OK. What color is this? <holding up a marker>
Emily: Ummmmm, I don’t know.
Me: Can you guess?
Emily: No. You guess.
Emily: <dancing>
Me: <smiling at Emily dancing>
Emily: <notices me smiling at her> Stop it! You interrupted me!
Me: Are you sure you aren’t a teenager?
Braedyn: <waking up too early…AGAIN>
Me: <ready to tell him to go back to bed>
Braedyn: Daddy! Did you hear the birds twittering?
Me: Awwwwwww!
3/2009
Emily: I want to catch a fish.
Me: Fun! You want to be a fisherman?
Emily: No! <indignant> I be Fisher EMILY.
2/2009
Emily: Mommy, can I have a scissor?
Me: You mean scissors? Yes, you can have some scissors.
Emily: No, Mommy. Scissor. Just one.
The following is a conversation between Braedyn and Greg during the bedtime reading of the book, The Nightmare Before Christmas:
Braedyn: Daddy, that dog doesn’t have any legs.
Greg: Right. He’s a ghost dog.
Braedyn: But how does he float?
Greg: He floats because he’s a ghost dog.
Braedyn: But he doesn’t have legs. How does he float?
Greg: He’s a ghost, a ghost dog.
Braedyn: But how does he float?
Greg: He’s a GHOST.
Braedyn: But he doesn’t have any legs. How does he do that?
Greg: It’s magic ghost powers.
Braedyn: <clearly satisfied> Oh. OK.
1/2009
Braedyn: Do flies poop?
Me: Yes. Everything poops.
Braedyn: Only people, fish, birds…and strangers poop.
12/2008
Emily: Daddy, your hair is growing. You have to mow it.
Braedyn: Mommy, can I get Hot Wheels for doing chores again?
Me: I don’t know, Braedyn. I’ll have to think about it. Chores are things you really should do to help out around the house without necessarily getting a toy to do it. I mean, I do a lot around the house all the time and I don’t get rewards for it.
Braedyn: Mommy, I’ll let you have one of my Hot Wheels after you do stuff around the house.
As I opened a gift that included a bottle of wine:
Emily, pointing to the wine: HEY! That’s daddy’s cup!
Me: No. His looks like a box.
Braedyn: Emily, your mom doesn’t have a force field on your planet?
Emily: No, she doesn’t.
Braedyn: Mine does.
Emily: Mommy, I want you to sit in my lap.
Me: You would like me to hold you?
Emily: No. I want you to sit in my lap.
11/2008
Braedyn: When Granny was here last night, she let us have ice cream.
Me: Well that was a special treat!
Braedyn: Yeah, she splitted us.
Me: You mean she spoiled you?
Braedyn: Yeah, she spoiled us.
11/04/2008
Me: Today is an important day in our country. We are going to find out who the next President is. Mommy voted and hopes the person she voted for gets the job.
Braedyn: Yeah, but when Daddy gets home can I show him my new Power Rangers phone?
10/2008
Emily: Mommy, what’s your name?
Me: Susanne.
Emily: What's my name?
Me: Emily.
Emily: What's Braedyn's name?
09/2008
Greg to Emily: Who’s your Daddy?
Emily: Mommy is.
Me: How did you get all that ink on your legs?
Braedyn: I don’t know. It just bounced off the paper onto my legs.
Braedyn after I snuck up on him: Agh!!! You fartled me!
Braedyn: Mommy! Emily is going to tell on me!
Braedyn: EMILY! Be quiet! I can’t hear the lightning with you talking!
08/2008
Braedyn: Mommy, Emily wants an Elmo party on her planet.
Emily: Take a picture of my bones.
Braedyn: I can’t! Your skin keeps getting in the way.
Emily: Mommy, turn off the wind!
Emily: (Covering and uncovering her eyes) Pee poo!
Me: Peek-a-boo!
Emily: Pee poo!
Braedyn: Mommy, when I trick my treat, can I be Batman?
Braedyn: Daddy, I remember when you were a kid.
Emily: Daddy, you’re an old guy.
Braedyn: (While trimming his toes) My big toe is getting old.
Braedyn: Mommy, Emily is taking a long time to grow up.

Time To Beef Up Security

by He Said

So, yeah.  I'm gonna post something.  I know you all thought we were dead, or had forgotten the password to our blog site.  It's really been none of the above, but just plain laziness.  I don't see all of YOU blogging everyday.  So this might be a bit rambling, or even boring, but I need to get back into it so you all have to suffer through it.  All four of you!

 Braedyn has a new canned response he gives us every time we film a funny video, or take a funny picture or even laugh at something we think is hillarious!  "Don't you put that on the internet!" he will scream at us.

I am not sure how I am supposed to respond to that other than by doing this.

That's not why I started this post.  Today is really all about Emily and her new found fears. Fears of going to the bathroom unless one of us is STANDING there watching her.  I don't know what she is afraid of, and she just says "I'm scared" and will stand in the hallway crying until:

1.  I give in and follow her down the hall into the bathroom or
2.  She pees her pants.

I never let us hit number 2.

This fear has now extended to the nighttime routine.  I tuck her into bed and if I scoot her over to the wall, you know, next to the deep dark crevasse of evil where the wall meets the bed, I have to be careful because the claws come out and embed themselves in the nearest area of my flesh.  That's when the ear curdling cries start as well.

So, I have learned NOT to scoot her towards the wall.

Most recently she began telling me she didn't want to sleep on the lower bunk.  She was scared.

Me: "What are you scared of Em?"
Em: "I hear noises at night!"
Me: "Emily, that's probably Charmin walking around, or me getting up to check on you because you moan at night, or mommy getting up to go potty."
Em: "No, they are other noises.  Its not Charmin."
Me: "What kind of noises?"
Em (speaking in COMPLETE seriousness): "I can hear a man walking around the house and he is carrying a sword he wants to stick in me."

Now I try to be a good dad.  I try not to laugh when my kids say really funny stuff.  This time I kept my composure, but I swear I heard Braedyn chuckling in the upper bunk.

Me: "Have you ever actually seen the guy walking around the house with a sword at night? Because I think I do a pretty good job at keeping strangers with swords out of the house at night."
Em: "I'm SERIOUS!"

And she was.....

I keep looking for evidence of a late night swordsman.  If you see one in my neighborhood, or yours, please, let me know.

Label Readers UNITE!

Posted by She Said

Every now and again, you need to have a serious post from us, right? RIGHT!? So, I’m going to give in to your need for something snark-free today.

Greg and I have been worried about Emily for a while now. She has had tummy troubles since…well, forever. And what has really worried me over the last couple of years was her level of energy. I’m not even talking about comparing her to Braedyn, ‘cuz let’s face it, not many CAN keep up with that fireball. I’m talking about her choosing to not have a play date because she’s tired. Or lying down on a couch during a play date and simply not playing. Or during a play date, getting up, going to her room, shutting the door, and falling asleep on her bed. I had every reason to believe that her tonsillectomy last December would remedy this, but it didn’t. In fact, it slowly seemed to be getting worse.

And you know me, I worry. I try not to, believe you me! But this time, I couldn’t help it. I had taken her to the doctor several times for her tummy issues and separately several times for her lethargy. A couple of weeks ago, I took her in again. This time, I pulled her doctor out of the room so Emily couldn’t hear, and I laid it all out. All my worries. And he understood and took action. I took her immediately after the appointment for some blood work to test for celiacs, crohns, iron levels, infection, and lastly, food allergies. She was such a sweetheart as the lab tech prepped her for the blood draw. She didn’t struggle in my lap, and she didn’t cry; she just looked up at me and whispered, “Mommy, I’m scared.” And let me tell you, my brave little girl was spoiled rotten after that! I’m talking chocolate from the candy store, two new dresses, and a new bathing suit. Girlfriend, we shopped!

And then I waited. And just to let you know, waiting patiently is not one of my strong suits.

After a little over a week of waiting for results, I finally heard the news. Thankfully, Emily does NOT have celiacs or crohns, nor does she have any infections. I can honestly say I was relieved to hear that Emily “only” has some food allergies. She is allergic to wheat, cow’s milk, egg, and banana.

Then I let all of that sink in. Um, do you remember all of those food stories involving our children while we were in China? And do you remember how picky they are? Especially Emily? Yeah, it hit me that everything Emily eats she is now allergic to.

• macaroni and cheese, Emily’s staple – contains wheat and milk
• cheese – contains milk
• goldfish crackers – contain wheat and milk
• chocolate milk! – um, yeah
• banana – one of the only fruits I could ever get Emily to eat

Thankfully, she’s not allergic to broccoli - the ONLY green thing she’ll eat.

I am lucky enough to have a dear friend that works at Whole Foods, so the day after learning of Emily’s allergies, we went shopping, and she shared with me all of her knowledge. I bought three different types of vegan cheeses, including one parmesan alternative. I bought goat cheddar cheese because her allergies don’t include goat milk. I bought coconut milk and almond milk. I actually found a “macaroni and cheese” that was wheat-free AND dairy-free. Yeah, it actually tasted good, but nothing, nuh-thing, like Kraft.

And I have to give it to Emily, she has been a trooper and has tried it all.

That’s right. My picky little eater has started a whole new culinary adventure at our house, and she’s the captain of the ship. She’s being honest about what she likes and doesn’t like. She’s never been one to complain about being sick (unlike her brother and her dad, ahem), so her willingness to venture into this new culinary world really makes me feel like she is excited about feeling better. I have a lot to learn and many questions to get answered still, but at least we know what we are dealing with.

We should see a difference in about three weeks, so stay tuned.

Backpack? Check. Teeth Brushed? Check.

Posted by She Said

Emily started Kindergarten this week, and she has loved it. She loves the special cubby where her new Hello Kitty backpack goes. She loves her teacher, adoringly known among the parents as “The Kindergartener Whisperer”. And boy, does Emily love the special playground that is just for Kindergarteners.

Even with this excitement for school, getting ready in the morning and out the door has not become any easier on me. Any particular chore in the morning makes me sound like a broken record:

Me: Emily, Braedyn, get your shoes on please. It’s time to go. <me running around collecting backpacks>

Me: Emily. Braedyn. Time to go. Please get your shoes on. <me brushing my own teeth>

Me: It’s time to go!! Get your shoes on! <me making sure lunch and snacks are appropriately packed>

Me: Emily! Braedyn! Get your shoes on! NOW! <me watching my children blow bubbles in the backyard WITHOUT SHOES>

Me: GET YOUR SHOES ON! GET YOUR SHOES ON! GET YOUR SHOES ON! GET YOUR SHOES ON! GET YOUR SHOES ON! GET YOUR SHOES ON! GET YOUR SHOES ON! GET YOUR SHOES ON! GET YOUR SHOES ON! GET YOUR SHOES ON! GET YOUR SHOES ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <me spinning my head, pulling out my hair, and foaming at the mouth>

Good times.

So, once we are at school, Emily picks out the “Kindergarten only” swing with the least amount of bird poop on it, sits, and begs me to push her. I oblige, knowing the time will come when the pumping of legs will render me useless in this task. There I am, lovingly pushing my daughter on the swing on her second day of Kindergarten, and I start to run through the checklist in my head, hoping that I remembered everything in the mad dash out the door.

Backpack? Check.

Teeth brushed? Check.

Snack packed? Check.

Hair done? Check.

I continue to push Emily. She is happy. I am happy. And then as her dress flows up in the breeze…

Underwear on? Oh. Dear. God. Say. It. Isn’t. So. CRAP.

That’s right. My daughter went to school in a dress. Commando.

I let out a mumbled, yet loud, “ohmygodwhatamIgoingtodo?” intermingled with a gasp of epic magnitude. Thankfully, my friend, Emma, came to the rescue. Her oldest of three is in Emily’s class, but the poor middle child, who is only about a year younger than Emily, had her “knickers” taken from her and given to Emily for the day. Crisis averted.

We always knew that Emily had a soft spot in her heart for the Playa, so I blame myself for not double checking her “knicker” status. Trust me, it’s now at the top of my daily checklist.

What’s In A Number Anyway

Posted by He Said

This last week there has been an unusual focus from the kids on numbers.  I don’t know if it has to do with what the kids are studying in school, a change in what Susanne and I are asking of the kids, or that Susanne has been counting the stacks of $100 bills we have been saving since we moved out of the house.  Regardless there has been a lot of Braedyn walking around the house counting by 1, 10, 20 and even by 100’s as high as he can go.  And he can count high, let me tell you. As proud a parent as it makes me to hear him get started, it’s a little like listening while sober to someone sing “Bottles of beer on the wall” and counting down from one billion.  Yeah.  It really is a little like that.

Just a few days ago, we were all sitting around in our family time circle.  For newcomers this is me on the couch with my iPhone and/or laptop, Susanne at the dining table on her laptop AND iPhone and both the kids either watching a movie, or playing on their iPods.  Like I said, family time, I mean we are all in the house at once, what more can you ask for.

So there we are, enjoying family time and Braedyn starts counting by 1,000’s.

“One thousand, two thousand, three thousand” and no, I will not edit this for brevity, if I have to live through it, then so do you, “four thousand, five thousand, six thousand, seven thousand, eight thousand, nine thousand and one MILLION!”

He looked at me with an ear to ear grin, just bursting with pride.  He was SO thrilled with himself and looking for confirmation of his grand feat, and what does this un-father of the year do?  I look at him, tell him, great job, but “after nine thousand comes ten thousand.” 

He pauses for a moment and says “No dad, when you count to one thousand by one hundreds there are no ten one hundreds, so there are no ten thousands.”

Now this is logic that is hard to argue with. I mean when you think about it, he has a point.  There are ten 1’s when counting to ten and there are ten 10’s when going to 100 and there are ten 100’s when you are going to 1,000.  So who am I to argue that somebody really screwed up this counting thing and that Braedyn’s logic is sound. But I tried to explain that there really were 10,000’s and more on the way to one million.  All I did was make my son feel bad.  I took note of this, slotted it in the back of my mind in the section “thing’s NOT to correct my son about”  and said, “well, ask about it in school and let me know. “  End of the argument and we all returned to family time.  I don’t think I ruined him for life.  I won’t know till he calls from from jail to bail him out.  That will likely wait till he is at least 18.

As I said, this has been the week of numbers.  Saturday the three of us (Susanne had left me yet again, and yes, she came back) were on our way to get a little high.  Doughboy Donut sugar high that is.  Nothing like an angel cream stuffed chocolate covered donut to start the day.  Halfway to our destination Braedyn pipes up with a comment about lines of cars being the definition of traffic. I of course was shocked that he was focused on SOMETHING, ANYTHING other than how to piss his sister off in the car. So I jumped on the opportunity to keep the conversation going.

Me: “Yes, technically the cars don’t have to be in a line to be traffic, there just have to be lots of cars on the road to be a lot of traffic.”
Braedyn: “Like in China where there are lots of cars?”
Me: “Yes, and in China there were thousands of cars on the road, wasn’t there?”
Braedyn: “Yeah, maybe millions, or even billions!”
Me: “Yeah, maybe!”

Emily had been strangely quiet up to this point, and I was wondering if she was even paying attention when she pipes in with “or maybe more, maybe one hundred and three!”

This time I kept my mouth shut, I mean, what’s in a number anyway.

The Hatching of Evel Knievel 1 and Evel Knievel 2

Posted by She Said

My children believe every living thing – puppies, people – start from that miraculous birthing place. No, I’m not talking about THAT warm and comfy place. I am, of course, talking about… the egg. Endless hours have been spent playing “puppy” where Emily hatches out of an egg and is, amazingly, a pup that can instantly perform all sorts of tricks, like roll over, play dead, and paint. If only Charmin could play this game as well. I’d have our bathroom finally painted.

Yesterday, I am happy to report, in Thing 1 and Thing 2 fashion, Greg and I hatched Evel Knievel 1 and Evel Knievel 2. On a whim, we checked a cool, local iPhone app called Dibbs, that lists everything going on in our area. We found a kite festival up at Squaw Valley and decided to check it out. Only problem we had was after our hour and a half drive up there, we discovered this “free” event required a $60+ ride up the mountain in a gondola to get to it. Lucky for us, there was another “free” event at the bottom of the mountain with some events we thought the kids would enjoy. So, we gave them a choice – go up the mountain and watch professionals fly kites, or stay at the bottom of the hill and get to try out some gnarly, adrenaline-pumping rides.

And then my little adrenaline junkies hatched. I couldn’t be more proud and thrilled for Evel Knievel 1 and Evel Knievel 2.

Emily went first on the zip line:

Then it was Braedyn’s turn:

But Emily will definitely have to wait until she gains some weight to improve her mad gymnastic skills:

Em does her own makeup

The Power of the Dollar (Store)

Posted by She Said

Emily’s first day of preschool was awesome! She was self-confident and ready to go. Here’s proof:

Her second day? I got a call about 2 hours into her day to let me know that she “just wasn’t herself.” Translation: she was lying on a rug and wanted to be left alone. The culprit? A 102° fever for two days. OK, I need to get this straight. THREE months of me begging her to get off of the subway floors in China and her not complying didn’t get her sick, but ONE day in preschool does?

Her third and fourth days? All of her previous self-confidence was channeled into her spookishly strong little body to fight us taking her to school. She decided one day of school was enough for her. Thank you very much. Been there, done that.

Me: <holding up an outfit> Em, let’s get dressed for school.

Emily: <taking on a fighting stance> Oh, you go ahead and try. My Kung Fu is stronger than yours.

And to be honest, she was right. It took both Greg and me to get her dressed and keep her dressed. She is seriously freakishly strong.

As she screamed going out the door, Greg flashed me this look that said, “I can’t believe I am stuck with the job of dropping her off at school. YOU. OWE. ME.” And the bite marks on his shoulder were proof that him having that job was SO the right choice for me.

Last night as Greg was threatening divorce if I didn’t take her to school in the morning, I had a moment of absolute brilliance.

Me: Emily, if you go to school all three times this week without fighting us, I will take you to the dollar store and you can pick out ANYTHING you want.

Emily: <starting to cry> But I don’t WANT to go to school.

Me: Well, you are going. And you can fight us if you want, OR you can be good about it and get to go to the <dramatic pause> Dollar Store <said with some serious flare and excitement>.

This morning there was a gigantic welling of tears in her eyes, and she gave me extra hugs and kisses as Greg drove her off to school. The lesson learned? The mighty Dollar Store is stronger than her Kung Fu.

When Sarcasm Goes Bad. Very, Very Bad.

Posted by She Said

Emily, who is now a whopping four years old, has two favorite words. “I” and “know”. She loves to say them every chance she gets.

Me: Emily, it is time to brush your teeth.

Emily: I know!

********

Me: Emily, please go wash your hands before dinner.

Emily: I know!

********

Me: Emily, did you know that the full version of the Reimann Hypothesis is still not proven to this day?

Emily: I know!

Yeah, her knowing everything has prompted Greg and me to follow up her “I know” with a “Yes, because you know EVERYTHING, Emily.”

Apparently, four is not the age where sarcasm works. I know this because of the following conversation I had with her in the car yesterday:

Me: Emily, you have school again tomorrow. Are you excited?

Emily: I know! I know everything, remember!?

Me: Ah. OK. <realizing maybe we need to have a talk about the joy of learning new things WE DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW> Emily, you know what? It is fun to learn and discover new things!

Emily: But I know everything!

Me: What’s two squared?

Emily: <long pause> One… Two… Three… Four…

Me: <long pause waiting for her to keep counting> <Dammit! Why didn’t I ask her what 18 squared was!!!???> Um…. <sigh>   OK. What is the name of our country’s first president?

Emily: I don’t know.

Me: See, you don’t know everything. And it is ok! It’s ok!

Emily: But I know everything, Mommy!

Me: Then who was our country’s first president?

Emily: <bursting into tears> Buuuut, I <sob, sob> know everything.

Me: Would you like to…

Emily: <sob>

Me: Emily, would you like to know his name?

Emily: <sob>

Me: It’s ok to not know everything, Emily. Just look at your Daddy. He’s ok and happy.

Emily: <sob>

So, lesson learned. Sarcasm and four year olds are not a good match.

Say Kimcheese!

Posted by She Said

A few weeks ago our neighbor, Vivienne, showed us pictures they had taken of their family at a local photo studio. She said it was really quite an experience and that we should consider doing it. After hearing the incredibly low cost and after seeing the amazing pictures of her family, put together in a beautiful book, I signed us up. Vivienne decided it was time for her family to get some more pictures taken too, so we booked our appointments at the same time so she and her husband, Ethan, could help us, since no one there spoke any English.

Vivienne explained to me that they have hundreds of outfits from which the kids could pick to wear for the pictures. In addition, they would do our hair and makeup. We snuck some shots in behind the scenes as we got all dolled up for our big shoot.

 

Emily went in for her pictures first, which was a huge mistake. She freaked out and decided she didn’t want her pictures taken. And since she has an iron will, we had to let her take a break for a while. Nothing like a local, nearby bakery to put everything back in order in Em’s universe again.

Language barrier be damned! Braedyn went in and figured out everything asked of him without any of us to help him. He had a great time getting his pictures taken.

Yes, you see correctly. Braedyn picked out a U.S. Army outfit for one of his shots. Can’t say I was thrilled, especially with the shots with the machine gun in them, but Greg convinced me to just say yes. He’s such a good liberal.

The hardest part was having to whittle down all of the shots taken to just 22 for the book. Oh wait, that’s right. I didn’t pick 22! I ended up purchasing another small book with an additional 12 shots in it. It didn’t help that as I sat in front of the computer deciding which pictures to keep and which to delete, Vivienne and the employees groaned every time I axed a picture. When asked if I wanted the smaller book to focus on Emily or Braedyn, I replied that I didn’t want to have to pay for that kind of therapy later in life and asked they do a combination book of the both of them. They can fight over who gets it later. Much, much later. When I don’t have to be their referee.

Some of you on Facebook know that I promised a picture of Greg with makeup on. I don’t want you to think I forgot about this. He doesn’t know I snuck this next picture in, so I’m probably really going to really get it when I show it to you. Ah, what the hell. Witness Greg’s transformation:

 

Before

After

Hidden Children in the City, errr, I Mean Children in The Forbidden City

Posted by She Said

Last weekend was a three-day holiday here in China. After visiting Fragrant Hills on Friday, Google, The Bird’s Nest, and The Water Cube on Saturday, and a full day of shopping on Sunday, what better way to end the holiday weekend than visit a place everyone else in China was visiting at the same time?

(The line to get tickets.)

That’s right. We decided to go to the Forbidden City. This palatial estate was built roughly 600 years ago and spans almost 8 million square feet.

(picture courtesy of Wikipedia)

We were very fortunate to have Greg’s coworker, Jun, and her mother, May, join us for the day. We started by visiting the Tiananmen Gate, which is the primary building in the above picture. Behind the gate is the Forbidden City. In front of the gate is Tiananmen Square. This cost an additional 15 yuan ($2.25) for the adults, and the children were free. Score! There was just one catch. No bags whatsoever were allowed. Thank goodness I bought capris the day before on my shopping spree that had cargo pockets to hold all of our passports and my wallet. We then checked our bags into a place that seemed completely disorganized and confusing and was completely swarmed with people trying to do the same thing.

To get up to the top of the Gate, we first had to go through a security check. Males and females were separated into different lines. For once, the men’s line was longer than the women’s line. Kind of refreshing actually.

Emily, Jun, May, and I were simply waived through the security “check”, and then we waited for Greg and Braedyn to get through their long line. When they did get through, Greg’s bright red cheeks were very telling. Apparently he was not simply waived through, but was felt up and patted down quite thoroughly. He looked back at the security check, and if I hadn’t known better, I’d swear he was looking for a way to get back in line for another round of that little extra somethin’-somethin’.

I’m sure this next part might get old hearing about, but this is our blog, so you just have to suck it up. Much of our day was spent being asked (or gestured) to take pictures of our kids or being asked if they could pose with them and have their pictures taken. Much of Emily’s day was spent clamoring away from random touches and from numerous cheek and hair strokes. It was also spent running away from, and I do mean literally running away from, strangers’ camera lenses. And because it was a holiday weekend, we were told many visitors that day were from other areas of China, not just Beijing. Translation: Emily and Braedyn were even more of an anomaly to those from outside of Beijing.

This next picture taken at the top of the Tiananmen Gate by Greg really sums up Emily’s experience:

After having a temper tantrum about not wanting to have her picture taken again, she ran off, screaming. Those of you who have had the pleasure of hearing her eardrum-piercing, glass-shattering screams can imagine that it did in fact NOT help with diverting attention AWAY from her. In fact, quite the opposite happened. Although everyone is giving the wild child space during her tantrum, all eyes and camera lenses are on her, including the one on the tripod. And I thought the tantrum pictures at The Great Wall were good.

Emily kept asking, “Daddy, can I be on your elbows?”, meaning she wanted to ride on Greg’s shoulders. He pleaded with her to just walk because her being on his shoulders just made them a beacon. She didn’t care, she was out of reach from random touches.

The attention to the kids became so bad that at one point we hid behind a tree while we had a snack and waited for Jun to graciously tackle the long lines to get our tickets into the rest of the Forbidden City.

Our anonymity did not last long, however, and we had to start moving. Movement is the best defense we have learned. And it’s not like the police would be any help if we needed it.

 
Once inside, the magnitude of the buildings truly became apparent.

(Jun and her mother, May)

The details at every turn were intricate and remarkable.

 
And the colors were glorious. I can only imagine how it must have felt to be there during its heyday.

My favorite part of the Forbidden City had to be the imperial gardens. Braedyn and I quickly swooped in and had our picture taken in the very spot emperors had their wedding pictures taken.

The grounds were meticulously cared for. OK, let me clarify that. The foliage was meticulously cared for. Trust me, there is a difference. We particularly enjoyed the old trees, which appeared to be almost as old as Greg.

After making our way from one end of the Forbidden City to the other, we called it a day and bid Jun and May farewell. We decided to poke around that area of town a little longer, and I am happy we did. Greg was trying to find a specific restaurant he had heard of, but instead we found a magnificent little park with a river running through it that fed into the Forbidden City.

  
A beautiful ending to a jam-packed weekend. Next time we do this, I need to know just one thing. Anyone know where Michael Jackson got those stylish veils for his kids to wear out in public? If you do, please order me two.

The Great Experience

Posted by She Said

I have to give Greg credit for being the geek he is. Before he makes a big purchase, he becomes an avid googler and reader. For example, before he buys a new computer or a new camera lens, he reads every possible review he can find on the web. I know this about him, and I know that the first 10 or so links he sends my way about this or that will not ultimately be what he buys. The process generally takes anywhere from 2 to 6 weeks. Well, unless we are in a hutong market and Greg sees a USB key. Then all rationality goes out the window. “But this one can’t be fake!” What’s that saying? Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on GREG? Ahem.

Greg’s meticulous process totally paid off for our family yesterday. We visited the Jinshanling section of The Great Wall. Having read every possible review of the various places to visit The Great Wall from Beijing, he decided this section was the place to go. His googling was spot on. He had read that this was the best place to go because it has recently received many renovations and because few people go there.  There is a tram you can ride up, or a very easy 20 minute walk up a new path. We walked the path because the tram was not working, which would have been fun for Braedyn and Emily, not to mention a little easier for the rest of us carrying their stuff and at times, them.

So we headed up the path with The Great Wall in our sites.

Frank, a coworker of Greg’s, took us there, and what a gracious and kind tour guide he was. It was about a two-hour drive, and unlike the states where you pay a toll as you get onto a highway or cross a bridge, once you leave Beijing, you go through a toll booth where you are given a ticket and are charged when you get off of the highway. Each exit has a toll booth, so the longer you are on the highway, the greater the toll. All in all, the highway fees totaled about $20 US.

Given our experiences in crowded areas like Tiananmen Square, we absolutely cherished how alone we were. Except for the two women who accompanied us for the entire trip (with the hopes of selling us souvenirs), we only sporadically saw anyone else.

 
I am actually struggling to find the right words to tell of the power of this place. It’s magnificence and sheer size made me speechless and unbelievably happy to be there experiencing it. It was pure bliss.

The kids had a great time too, and Braedyn was quite an adventurer. In some places you could choose to go down very steep stairs and then back up another set of very steep stairs or take a short cut across a ledge built at the top. This next clip shows Frank helping Braedyn take one of these shortcuts. I’m also pretty sure this was the culprit for his nightmare later that night.

This next shot helps show just how high up they are. See Greg in the bottom right?

Here is everyone taking another one of these shortcuts, and even though heights and I are not even close to being BFFs, I actually went across this one too:

Some of the stairs were incredibly steep, but that didn’t deter Greg from climbing to the top of The Dark Tower, the last tower we visited. Being an avid Stephen King fan, there was no holding him back from visiting the place that shares the name of one of his favorite King series. Seriously, I’m certain he was imagining himself as Roland Deschain - chaps, gun, attitude – as he climbed The Dark Tower.

This next shot shows the stairs leading up to the top. Yes, there are itsy, bitsy stairs there.

Did I mention we were practically alone? I did? Hmmm… Well, here is some proof anyway.

This next one is Frank holding Braedyn’s hand and Greg holding Emily’s hand.

I eventually caught up with them, but at the time I was hanging in the back talking with my new friend:

Can you believe she is 61 years old? She didn’t speak English, and since I don’t speak Chinese, we did a lot of gesturing, and even though there was little we understood from each other, I found her to be a stunning person. She was stronger and more agile than anyone else I know that age. Hell, she is stronger and more agile than me! She not only followed us for our entire trip, she often flew down the steps the rest of us so slowly and carefully took, and she always offered her hand to help us if she thought we needed it. She even offered to carry Emily down some uber steep steps at times, to which we kindly declined.

The reason she and the other woman followed us for the hours we traversed The Wall was to widdle down our resolve and hope we would buy souvenirs from them instead of from one of the plethora of shops at the end of the path. After all, they were our personal guides, right? That was worth something, no? I was a little annoyed at first, but by the end, I really enjoyed this woman’s presence. I ended up buying a beautiful book from her about The Great Wall with gorgeous photographs that were taken by by a local farmer. I watched her dig out plastic bottles and aluminum cans from the garbage cans (interestingly designed to look like The Great Wall). Frank told me that she will receive 10 cents (RMB) for each, which I can see adding up over time. I had a lot of respect for her by the end of the trip for what seemed to me to be a hard life.

The other tag-along, although helpful with Emily at times, was rather pushy. She did tell me in fairly good English that she was from a “farmer family”, but that she climbed the wall every day as her second job to help make money. I begrudgingly bought some t-shirts from her at the very bottom of the path, just before she headed back up to start the trek over.

When I was little, my mom took several candid pictures of me during a temper tantrum. I was under the bar stools in my house in El Paso. I’m not sure why, but I always remember the detail in these photos. Non sequitur? I think not. If Emily is anything like me, she’ll feel lucky that her tantrum pictures were at this magnificent place.

They Better Love Me for This When They Grow Up

Posted by She Said

Today I took the kids to an enormous mall (seriously it HAS to rival Mall of America) that has one whole floor dedicated to all things kids.

• Children’s clothing stores. Check.
• Toy stores. Check.
• Arcade. Check.
• McDonald’s ice cream cones. Check.
• Stage for kid’s shows. Check.
• Place to fish for goldfish. Check.
• Art area. Check.
• Circus style trampoline thingy. Check.
• Place to dig for dinosaur bones. Check.
• Ball pit. Check.

And today,

• Lady with microphone that won’t get out of Emily and Braedyn’s faces. Check.

In order to get to this mall, we have to take a taxi. The two times we have gone, getting there has been no problem at all. I show the driver the map of the mall, the driver nods, and then I struggle to keep my two children, two children without any kind of seatbelt restraints mind you, from keeping their hands and feet inside the ride at all times.

Getting home, well, that’s a whole other can of worms. The business card for the apartment/hotel we are in has a map on the back. A map that is COMPLETELY WORTHLESS. The first time getting home from this mall, I had to call one of Greg’s coworkers to direct the driver to our place. Today, we all hopped into the back of the taxi, and I handed the card to the driver. He looked at it intently and then shook his head no and pointed to the door. We hauled ourselves out of the back seat and hailed a different taxi. This time the driver looked at the card and then back at me, looked at the card again, and then shook his head. Of course, he also said something to me in Chinese. That helped. So, this time I pointed to the subway stop on the map that is closest to our house. He nodded, and we climbed in to the back seat. Each kid wants a window seat, so I am left sitting between them with a very clear view of our near-death experiences drive home. He took us to a subway station, not the one near our house that I pointed to on the map, but hey it was doable and we got home.

Anyway, back to the mall. First stop, circus style trampoline thingy. I was surprised that Emily wanted to try this and Braedyn didn’t. Of course, as soon as she was strapped in, he insisted on having his turn too.

Emily’s turn was shortened because she is so light, the guy working the circus trampoline thingy had to keep pulling the straps around her waist down. You know, kind of like a sling shot to make her fling up into the air. Let’s just say she wasn’t a fan and her turn was rather short at her own insistence.

Then came the excavation. The rather painful (for me) excavation. Braedyn saw a big sandy pit surrounded by glass cabinets displaying dinosaur bones. He was so excited to do a “real dig for bones” that I pulled out my handy iPhone and pulled up the phrase, “How much is this?” The guy held up 10 fingers. 10 yuan each? Hooray. Let’s do it. So I nodded for the kids to start digging:

And they dug.

And they dug.

And dug.

And dug.

And then the real mission started. Digging for the exact understanding of how this little mall attraction worked. Were they actually digging for the bones that were displayed in the cabinet? Did they even hide anything in that sand? Was I suppose to buy something first and have them put it in the sand for the kids to find? Where were they hiding the Candid Camera?

Sadly, my iPhone app does not have any of these as standard questions, so our “conversation” went something like this:

Me: <pointing at the dinosaur bone kits in the glass cabinet> Something in English? <pointing to the sand>

Him: <pointing to the cabinets> Something in Chinese.

Me: Uhhhhhhh……..

Him: Something else in Chinese. 

Me: Something in English. <desperately seeking for help on my iPhone app>

Him: Something in Chinese. <smile>

Me: Uhhhhhhh…… Due boo xia (phonetic Chinese for I’m sorry)

Him: Something in Chinese.

Then he ran off. I only hoped it was for some linguistic assistance. And then I saw the crowd of people watching us and the lovely spectacle that we had become.

As if riding a chariot led by two muscular white horses, a member of the property management team showed up with my mall attraction guy. Or should I say, a member of the property management team who also spoke English.

At this point, I felt really terrible for causing so much fuss. So far, I have been able to figure most things out using charade skills or my handy iPhone. This time was a total bust. The gentleman said hello and asked if he could be of assistance.

After I apologized profusely for creating such a scene, he explained that for 50 yuan each, the children could pick something out of the glass cabinets. I happily handed over my 100 yuan, the kids got their dinosaur bone puzzles, and I thanked him for his and the mall attraction guy’s kindness.

I still don’t know if they were actually supposed to find anything in the sand. I didn’t ask. I was just so happy to get the kids their dinosaur bones and hightail it out of there to the nearest place to order a drink.

Cappuccino for 10 yuan. Not quite what I had in mind, but it gave me enough energy for the next part of our outing – the hamster tunnel/zip line/slide/ball pit/lady with the mic part.

I bought the tickets for the kids to enter this play area, presumably to wear them out so much that putting them to bed by myself that night wouldn’t be an issue. Greg was going for his foot massage after work, and I was on my own. I wanted them TIRED.

And tired they were. Not necessarily from climbing up to the zip line or crawling through the hamster tunnels, but rather from running away from a woman who was intent on getting them to speak into her microphone. With music blaring loudly, she was teaching several children what I assumed to be traditional Chinese songs, accompanied by what I assumed to be traditional Chinese hand signals. That’s what she was doing until we walked in anyway. Once the kids stepped foot into the area, she stopped what she was doing and tried to get Braedyn and Emily to say their names into her mic. They were intent on the zip line and b-lined it there; so they were safe. For the moment.

The lady wanted to talk to them so badly, she followed them into the ball pit.

Emily bailed, so she cornered Braedyn.

The lady was very nice and enthusiastic, and I’m certain she thought the kids were having fun with her following them around. I can assure you though, they were not. The lady kept motioning for them to come out and dance with her. I called the kids over to me, and I smiled at them. Then through gritted teeth in a low voice so no one could hear me rock the group harmony going on, I said, “Get. Out. There. Now. Dance. One dance. Or I will take away your dinosaur bones.” I barely had the word bones hissed through my clenched teeth, and they were out there boogying.

I wasn’t trying to be mean to the kids by making them do something they didn’t want to do; I just figured she’d leave them alone if they did. Yeah, what the hell do I know.

Emily and Braedyn Take Tiananmen By Storm

Posted by She Said

And you thought we exaggerated. Us? Pshaw!

The above picture is what I took with my camera. This is what Greg took at the same time:

 

Just another picture with random strangers that asked to have their picture taken with the kids.

And this was the first 30 minutes! After that Emily was way over it and refused. Can’t say I blame her.