Power to the Tatas!

Posted by She Said

I need to get something off of my chest (ahem), so to speak…

Turning 40 has been a wild ride so far, and I’m only 6 months in. It started with a celebratory tattoo, an awesome party with wonderful friends, and the running of three 5Ks, one of which included zombies. Forty ain’t so bad!

But then it can be.

Along with that number comes the need for annual boob squishings, otherwise known as mammograms. I had one at 38 because of my mother’s breast cancer diagnosis. I wasn’t thrilled to have to do this; hell, I doubt anyone enjoys them, but I did it. I was told that if the tech found anything, they’d give me a call the next day. I didn’t get a call, so woohoo!

But then I got the letter!

Apparently, someone forgot to make the call and I got the letter (almost two weeks later) instead. A strange mass was found on the mammogram and I needed to go in for further testing. BUT I DIDN’T GET A CALL! I thought I was in the clear, but here was the damn letter in front of me stating otherwise. Nervously I went in for the ultrasound, sweaty as all get out because you can’t wear deodorant. And when do I need to be wearing deodorant? WHEN I’M STRESSED.

The doctor came in after reviewing the ultrasound findings and said I had what looked like a complicated cyst. I just needed to have a needle aspiration (how fun!) and a biopsy, and I’d be good. They are almost always benign, he said. Call my doctor, he said.

Now, I’ll be honest, I’m terrible about doing my own monthly breast checks. Hell, I’m bad about doing them EVER. So, with sudsy, nervous hands in the shower, I felt around for this “cyst” and holy shit. There it was! AND queue meltdown.

Fast forward to the surgeon’s office, and he’s feeling around and can’t find anything. He asked me to show him where I felt it, and I couldn’t find it either. I guess suds and a shower is to feeling a bump as a box a kleenex and porn is to Larry Flynt’s Friday nights.

Two days later, I go in for the biopsy and needle aspiration (again, doesn’t that just sound like a good time?). I couldn’t feel anything, thankfully, because of the local anesthetic, but I could SEE everything he was doing since it was an ultrasound guided biopsy and the screen was right in front of me. AND queue deer in the headlights.

After the biopsy, the doctor informed me that it was not a cyst but a tumor. The difference being that a cyst is fluid filled, and a tumor is solid. Given that it was almost an inch in length, he was not able to aspirate it through the needle. He again assured me it looked benign, and that it most likely was a fibroadenoma. AND queue painful waiting and some wicked bruising.

(I know, gross. Sorry.)

And more waiting, waiting, waiting…

After doing a TON of reading (thanks, google!) about this, I discovered that fibroadenomas are usually found in younger women, while phyllodes tumors, that look very similar, are often found in women in their forties and older. Thank you, forty, for being such an unpredictable bitch. Again, it is rare for one of these to be malignant, but there is a small percentage that are.

After THREE (THREE!!!!!!) full days of excruciating, gut-wrenching waiting, the results came back, and the samples were benign (hoo-fucking-ray!!!) and it is either a fibroadenoma or a phyllodes tumor or possibly both. They won’t fully know until it is excised (a nice term for cutting that shit out) and sent to pathology. When asked if it could still be found to be malignant, he said there was a chance, but that none of the samples sent in had any sign of malignancy, so not to worry. He said that to ME, the person hard-wired to worry. But I am going to try and do just that, not worry.

The surgery is scheduled in a couple of weeks, and I’m assured the scarring will be minimal. Good thing; I don’t want to lose that sweet pole dancing gig I’ve got goin’.

Slap My Ass Like An American Athlete

by He Said

Its soccer season again.. ok, it’s almost over, but that’s not really the point to my rambling here.  It’s to tell you a story.

Last week I’m at the park while B is at soccer practice.  It’s a popular park for dog walkers and there is an older gentleman that I have seen there several times.  It isn’t that he stands out that I remember him, but that he has a dog that looks like a walking cotton ball.  A big white fro with legs this dog is. This particular evening I sat on the park bench on the patch this evening rather than on the grass.

As the older gentleman (I’m using this term loosely as you will soon learn) approached his dog came to me and as a dog lover I naturally greeted it with love and attention.  The man was was wearing his Veterans of Foreign Wars baseball cap and a jacket with military insignia, flags and the like.  A proud vet.  Being the grandson of a WWII veteran of the Navy on one side, and a Army Soldier on the other as well as a father who served in the Army I was raised to respect those who have served our country. Rightly so, I automatically give someone who has served our country proud a little more respect than the average stranger.

As I am sitting there petting this “gentlemen's” dog I look up and smile and he says to me, “What’s with all these kids playing soccer? Why aren’t they playing baseball and football.” I tried to explain to him that they play football and baseball at the baseball and football  parks.

As though he didn’t hear a word I said (and maybe he didn’t, he had a few years on him) he said “When I was a kid, we played American sports like baseball and football. Not this pussy sport.”

uh…can I stop referring to him as a gentleman and he dropped two notches of respect.

So what the hell am I supposed to say to this guy who once served our country risking life and limb to guarantee the freedoms we enjoy today who just called my kids sport a “pussy sport?”

I was flabbergasted.  I couldn’t speak.  I just looked at him, pet his dog one more time and looked away.

When I told this story to a coworker he had a response that I WISH I had at the time. I wish I had said something like. “So right. Those ass slapping sports are SO much more manly.”

To Stick or Not to Stick?

Posted by She Said

I recently freed myself of my mommymobile (aka minivan) and acquired a much more “I’m an outdoorsy type” Outback. It’s even a stick shift, which alone makes me feel 10 years younger. And in our very four-seasons climate, these “I can easily go kayaking! or skiing!” cars are very popular. (Not that I do either of those things, but still.) These cars are EVERYWHERE.

So, I was trying to figure out how to make mine stand out a bit? I’ve been wavering on whether or not to put my politically-affiliated bumper sticker on the car, but in a fit of Angry Susanne, I decided to bite the proverbial bullet and put it on my car. And as I was smoothing down the final corner and checking Facebook at the same time (hey, not all multi-tasking skills left me with motherhood!), I saw a friend’s post about being opposed to putting any sticker on his car but would possibly consider this one:

Now, the geek factor alone on this gem seriously makes it worth sticking it on your own forehead and running around for everyone to see. Stick it, I say! Had I not just sealed the deal with my own sticker, I may have considered that one instead.

So, anyway, I digress. Political bumper sticker. My car. Done deal. I am going to be acutely aware of any increases in one finger salutes in my direction and any increases in being cut off. Hopefully I’ll get a few thumbs up. At least my sticker just states where my support lay and isn’t one of those horribly blunt and downright rude stickers. I won’t say whose team (*cough Romney cough*) I keep seeing them for, because, you know, that would just be tacky.

Still pondering my choice to commit to the stick at the grocery store today, I happened to park next to a car with one of those aforementioned snarky stickers. This was no ordinary car either; it was also plastered with the name of the person’s floral business. If I were the owner of a small business, I would definitely consider the fact that I could be pissing away half of my customers by mixing my political beliefs with my business.

All I can say is thank goodness I’m a slacker and don’t have my own business! I can piss off whomever I want! (Sorry, parents.)

So, what do you think about political stickers on cars? Are only certain ones upsetting? Do you stick? Or do you avoid sticking? Inquiring minds want to know!

Fifty Shades of Ducky

Posted by She Said

You all know my ducks, right? Well, one of them has been really naughty lately, and I think I know why. That little sneak has been reading Fifty Shades of Grey (on our Kindle, of course).

Apparently she’s gotten herself pretty tied up in the storyline, and now even her peers aren’t sure what to make of her. They are always whispering behind her back.

Maybe they are just jealous, who knows? But the biggest question is where does she hang out during the day? There’s certainly no way she can hang out at the tub with the others. Even though she brags to them about how she is water proof and can vibrate. Seriously, where exactly does a duck of her, um… character hang out where the risk of ogling children’s eyes isn’t an issue? Do you think she has a secret playroom in the house somewhere?

Maybe her new, shall we say, attire can be attributed to our other new ducky addition:

Yeah, she looks innocent enough, but I bet she’s had a wicked influence on the others, don’t you think? All joking aside, there’s no way one could get into this getup alone. Is there?

---

So, yes, I have been given several more ducks for my ever-increasing collection. I’m not sure if that says something about me or the friends I keep. Either way, keep ‘em coming! Ahem, so to speak.

It’s 4:20 Somewhere

Posted by She Said

It is obvious I have been married to my beloved for a long time. I have clearly become Angry Susanne, counterpart to Angry Greg. The difference however is that Greg has chilled at work and people no longer distinguish him from the other Gregs at work by referring to him as “Angry Greg.” OK, yes they do, but it is done more in jest instead of well, the truth.

I need to follow suit and chill. It is obvious I have been, ahem, angry lately. Angry at stupid white men trying to take women back 100 years and to discriminate against people “other” than them. OK, damn! There I go again.

Breath.

So, OK. I promise to try and talk about fun and light things and keep my political ramblings to a minimum. Not completely stop, but minimize. I’ll try. Pinky promise. Hey, how about every time I bring it up, we do shots!? We’ll call the drinking game Angry Susanne!

So here I go trying to be light. And funny. It’s a little story about how technology can bite you in the ass…

Greg and I have parental controls on our Netflix account to keep the kids from watching things we don’t want them to see. It works perfectly! Well, until it doesn’t because you forgot to turn them back on after a grown up night of TV.

The kids have been watching this Japanese anime cartoon through Netflix, and where I don’t actually sit and watch shows with them, I do listen to them, keenly from the other room. I kept asking Braedyn what the rating was on the show, and he kept rolling his eyes at me and informing me it was TV-PG. Now, I didn’t think TV-PG shows were allowed with our settings, but I figured Greg set it, so he must be ok with it. What I heard wasn’t terrible, just a little surprising with its occasional “damn” and “what the hell?”. But there were princesses! and classical music! and well, I let it go.

Then last night Greg and Braedyn were watching something together and some guy was trapped in a car.

Braedyn: <calmly> Why don’t they just break the damn window?

Greg: What?

Braedyn: <again, calmly and truly inquisitive> Why don’t they just break the damn window?

Greg: You know, bud, damn is not a word you should use. It is a swear word.

Braedyn: What? I didn’t call anybody it.

It’s true. Good point. If you are going to swear in this house, you damn well better know where it goes in the f#cking sentence. It’s just good parenting.

Time for a Push

Posted by She Said

I’ve always believed our culture evolved in a manner similar to a pendulum moving. Advancements in women’s rights and GLBT rights, for example, come with a pushing back by those who don’t want change, but change comes nonetheless. It may not be as fast or as complete as those pushing may want, but advancements ARE made. The push, and subsequent push-back, mimics the movement of the pendulum. Our culture evolves from this motion.

Recently, however, there has been such an incredible insurgence of people pushing our culture back, back, back. That pendulum is flying so hard back to the early 20th century that I feel like I’ve been bitch-slapped. And what are those that fought so hard for advancements in women’s rights, in GLBT rights, and in science doing? I for one feel like I have been standing here watching the train wreck that is our culture. I’m so shocked by stories in the news, DAILY! news, of things being said and done that are chiseling away our advancements, and not subtly either. These are big chunks coming out of culture’s advancements. And all this hate and intolerance is just pulling all the crazies out, making them mainstream. It wouldn’t be an ordinary day anymore without hearing about some other white man redefining rape or “traditional” marriage.

You know what I’m talking about, right? Legitimate rape. Life begins two weeks before conception. Don’t want to get pregnant? - put a dime between your legs. Magical vaginas that know how to “shut down” a pregnancy resulting from rape. Radio station cancels public affairs program over interview with LGBT advocate. Don’t look like a white politician? Better carry papers. Want contraception? - you must be a slut. Pray the gay away! Evolution is a theory and can’t be taught in schools. And the list painfully goes ON and ON and ON.

My stages of grief over this attack on our advancements have been clearly visible. I have certainly been in denial about this cultural war. Certainly this craziness has got to stop! I’ve been depressed about this backlash on women, immigrants, the GLBT community, science. This is all so unbelievably sad! Now, I am angry. I’m absolutely pissed that hate seems to be the norm for so much of our society today. I’m pissed that people are publically speaking their racist, homophobic, misogynist, and anti-reason minds and HAVEN’T BEEN CALLED OUT ON IT ENOUGH. I’m pissed that our push-back hasn’t been as loud and visible as the crazies has been. I’m pissed that so many haters don’t see it as JUST THAT – HATE.

But I guarantee there will be one stage of grief I will never reach. I will never accept. I will never accept that hate will win out over love. I will never accept that there are more intolerant people in our country than those who cherish and respect differences in others. I will never accept.

It’s time we woke up and dust off our <insert any number of groups under attack here> rights signs and proudly display them again! Get out there and have your voice heard! Enough is enough. Let’s push back, people! PUSH BACK!

Ready, Set, GO, GO, GO!!!!

Posted by She Said

I absolutely adore this time of year. I cherish the change in the air, that crispness that tells me fall is coming. I’ve been noticing some leaves in our neighborhood starting to change color. Granted, I hope they aren’t DYING because of the lack of water around these here parts lately – I shake my fist at you climate change!

The oranges and lush warm hues that seem to work their way into every store window makes me happy. The idea of curling up with a book by the fireplace under a soft throw thrills me. Yes, fall is my favorite time of year!

And it’s not.

Sadly, my idyllic image of quiet fall strolls through leaf covered streets falls short of reality, the reality that is our life this time of year. Fall  signals the ramping up of the busiest four months of the year for us.

It starts with soccer. Two kids, so two soccer practices and two games a week – both at different places, but sometimes at the same time! That’s in addition to all the gobs of stuff they are suddenly responsible for in school. Projects? Book Reports? Homework!

Both of the kids’ birthdays are also sprinkled around Halloween and Christmas. Oh, all the holidays! There’s Halloween, VOTING DAY!, the Married Geek’s Binary Anniversary, Friendsgiving (our version of Thanksgiving), Christmas, and New Years! OK, I’m just kidding. New Years hasn’t been a holiday since I was in my twenties! It’s more of a “Do you want to try and stay up this year?” kind of event. But still. You get the point. Busy, busy, busy!

So, it is possible that over the next few months I may seem a little crazed (or more than usual), but now you’ll know why. I’m probably trying to blog on my phone and cheer for someone’s team at the same time. Or wrapping presents while typing with my toes. But I love it, because in the end my love of this time of year wins out. Hands down.

HGTV Needs to Hire Me

Posted by She Said

You probably read the title of this blog and figured I think of myself as a master decorator who wants the likes of HGTV to hire me for one of their numerous design shows. If that’s the case, your guess would be akin to pitching during a football game – yeah, that far off. Unless there is such a thing as a pitch during a football game??? Ugh, I should know better than to use sports metaphors??? I am sports illiterate after all.

So, no. I don’t think I’m a great designer, or even above-average for that matter. I think HGTV needs to hire me because I have what I believe to be a really cool idea for a TV show. I even googled “how to submit a show idea to HGTV”, and I found a result! Yeah, a result that sucked. They can’t accept show ideas from the average joe schmo because of legal reasons. According to their site, they will only accept proposals “from television production companies with national or major market production credentials.” If you could see how hard my eyes are rolling right now, you’d certainly be impressed.

Since last time I checked I was not a member of one of those groups, I’m going to share this idea with the three of you! (If you are new here, you’ll see self-deprecating humor is BIG.)

I want a show to chronicle the building of a house. Here’s the twist: the house will be made entirely out of materials being given away for free off of Craigslist. Seriously! How cool would that be? I see all kinds of stuff being given away! Just a random perusing of Craigslist in our area revealed the following:

• Four 4’ x 8’ Pegboards – wouldn’t that be great in a garage?
• Lots of Rolls of Carpet, Great For Burning Man – OK, I can’t speak for the quality of the carpet, but hey, FREE CARPET! (Not to take from the burners. Peace, dude.)
• 5 Gallon Buckets with Handles – Needed for the paint we’ll find for free!
• Door – Duh.
• Free Scrap Metal
• Free Hot Tub!
• 9’ Wood Horizontal Blinds
• Bathroom Sink
• Ceiling Fan
• Mirrored Closet Doors
• Fill dirt
• Windows!

I know I went a little crazy with the list there, but that was all on the FIRST results page! Get the idea? What a great way to be green (reduce, reuse, recycle!), frugal (can’t get better than FREE), and make me a star all in one awesome idea?

So, anyone reading this who is a member of a national or major market production credentials (*cough* Libby *cough*) and who thinks this could lead somewhere, holla!

Scratching the Literary 7 Year Itch

Posted by She Said

For seven years I have been a stay-at-home mom. SEVEN years.

Seven years of not earning a paycheck. (Boo!)

Seven years of not having to clock in anywhere. (Yay!)

It truly has been the best of times. It’s also been the worst of times. I haven’t missed the stress of a “traditional” job, but staying at home hasn’t been all Oprah and bonbons. My journey of meeting other like-minded parents has been akin to water-boarding, but now that the kids are in school, that hasn’t been such torturous issue.

But my journey is taking a radical turn next week. Our youngest is going into first grade, which means both kids will be at school ALL DAY. I am fortunate enough to have a husband who deeply values having me stay home to take care of all the day-to-day stuff, stuff that could oftentimes bore me to tears. Laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning the kitchen over-and-over-and-over again – all things that done throughout the day frees up time when he is home for us to do family stuff. You know, like play Mindcraft. Now, I’m not saying I’m the best at all of those domestic shenanigans. My house isn’t immaculate 24/7. I generally wait until we have no clean clothes before tackling the mountain of dirty clothes. But, whatever, it gets done.

But now! Now I am going to have HOURS each day. BY MYSELF. And oh, dear lawdy, I do not want to have my children think all I do is clean and shop for food. In fact, I’ve been saying that this is the year where I get to reinvent myself! So, before I say what I am going to attempt to do, I must first tell you what I am going to attempt NOT to do.

I do not want to clean all day. Or grocery shop all day. Or do laundry all day.

This next one is something that worries me. I do not want to play solitaire for hours on end, because as pathetic as it sounds, I can whittle away time doing just that. I’m going to show you something. I’m outing myself here, so don’t judge me.

(OK, judge me a little.)

So, on to what I WANT to do. I mulled over ways to reinvent myself, and when I decided upon a path, I talked to Greg, and I asked him to tell me if he honestly thought I could do it. His answer stung like Anastasia Steele’s ass getting spanked in Fifty Shades of Grey but wasn’t nearly as fun. He said, “I think you can do it, but I think you’ll struggle with motivation.”

Ouch.

But you know what? That may have been the best motivation of all. To prove him wrong. (Again.)

As part of my motivation technique, I’m throwing it out for all to read! That way, I’d not only have to answer to Greg if I fail, but I’d have to hang my head in shame to you all as well.

I want to write. I’m going to attempt (there is no try, only do) throw my hat into the scary, overpopulated world of freelance writing! And if when I get something published, I am going to have a bigger smile than Christian Grey gets from doing all that spanking.

And that, my friends, you can get in writing.

(Wish me luck!)

Wine In a Box? The Married Geeks are Thinking Bigger!

Posted by She Said

When Greg and I started dating, I was thrown into his world of beer making. I’d help bottle and cap his latest home brew. I’m not much of a beer drinker**, but we had a great time doing this together. My favorite was the Jolly Rancher beer made from a Corona Clone, created by using a Jolly Rancher as the final priming sugar. We’d drop a particular flavor into the bottle right before capping it. And they were scrumptious! My favorite was the watermelon. Or maybe the cherry. OH! Green apple! Yum!

For our wedding favors, we even handed out our private label home brew:

And then years of marriage flew by, and out went the beer making, and in came the box wine. We’ve adjusted wine fridges to accommodate these glorious things! We’ve figured out how to best camp with the box! (Remove box, insert plastic bag directly into ice in cooler!) Hell, we’ve even adjusted the shelves in our main refrigerator to work with the average height of the boxes. Folks, we are educated in all things box.

We know people that will snub their noses at the box and swear they are worth nothing more than to be used as props for the next Deliverance movie. To them, I say, I think she looks good in a canoe!

But I digress. Something in Greg must have been missing the creativity that comes in the form of booze production. So, I came home to this:

Yes, my friends, that is a five gallon bucket of “Coastal White” wine in the making. Because who needs a box when you can have a BUCKET?! Now, are we just going to tap the sucker or fill boxes with it? Decisions, decisions.

** Except when I am.