Thursday, August 21, 2008

Ants In My Pants

Susanne and I have an ant problem.  One of the really crappy things about a slab home is the ants can make a home sweet home anywhere under your foundation and you can’t do anything about it except bitch.  We are  bitching a lot lately.

Ants crawling across the floor, along the carpet, in the bathroom.

So last night I am out in the front yard letting the kids play and yes, I am geeking out with my laptop on the front lawn.  The battery was dead and to really drive the point home to my neighbors that I am nerding out I have a bright red heavy duty extension cord running out to the front lawn to power my little laptop.

The kids are having a great time, and the wine is working its magic.  I have a half full glass of wine on the driveway next to me and one of the neighborhood kids runs by and kicks it.  Yes, kicks my glass of wine sending the liquid gold flying directly into my laptop screen and keyboard, the glass clanking and rolling down the driveway.  I shouted “watch where you are going” while in my head I am thinking “you blind little f**k you spilled my wine”.  I didn’t say it. I wanted to, but I didn’t.

So the wine is dripping down my laptop screen and oozing in between my keypad.  I run into the house and get a towel to dry it off while I am thinking if it would just short out, smoke, catch on fire I would have an excuse to upgrade.  It didn’t so I can’t.

Fast forward to tonight.  I bring my laptop out of the hiding place in the closet where my wife diligently places it each day when I leave for work.  Why, but to keep it out of harms way.  Yup, that’s why she tucks it in the closet, not because its an eyesore living on the dining room table, but to protect it.  I am sure of that.

So here I am typing, and lo and behold an ant crawls out from under the keypad.  WTF, wow, he must have crawled in from the grass the night before and hung out overnight.  That’s what I thought, until I put it on my lap on the couch and Susanne goes to the dining room table and lo and behold (yes, another lo and behold, its that kind of story) there is a small army of ants making formation ready to take the table from the humans.  Seriously.  They had already built a small fort with little cannons and everything.  Susanne realizes immediately that its the wine they are after.  The little stealing alcoholic bastards.  Susanne runs to the closet and sure enough in the laptop safety zone they have an entire fortification built on the closet floor.  There must have been thousands of them from Susanne’s description. I feared for my life. 

So yes, there are ants in our closet, there are ants in our bathrooms, under our dining room table and in my frickin laptop.  I feel so violated.


  1. Mark this as a huge difference between me and Greg. We buy a BOX of wine, which equates to 6 1/4 bottles, for $8.50. (Yeah, yeah, we like cheap wine.) Notice his fury about his spilled 1/2 glass of wine; when you do the math that's worth roughly 34 cents. I'm just glad I'm the one paying the bills.

    Damn little alcoholic bugger just bit my arm while I'm typing this at the dining room table!

  2. Greg likes the white stuff, right? I dont think they like stuff like my good buddy Carlo Rossi's Paisano, anything red and thick. Or, you cats could suck it up and switch to vodka ($11.99 for 1.75L of Trader Joe's Vodka of the Gods) - its less calories! Should help the Mr. at fat class!!!! :)