Rounding Out

Posted by He Said

While in China (I know, China again, get used to it; I think that many blogs will still start like this for some time to come), I initially lost weight for the first couple weeks. Then I discovered fried bread, and I lost that anorexic look I have worked so hard to achieve. 

For those who don’t know me personally, I have struggled with my weight since my late 20’s.  I started out life as a plump well rounded 10lb 4oz baby but thinned out quickly and was a stick for most of my early years.  I could eat whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted, and never filled out.  During my late teens I would eat an entire box of Lil Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls and wash them down with a quart of chocolate milk. Oh, those were the days. Here is a picture of what I looked like in my late teens.  I am the guy on the far right. Please, no comments on the shorts.  I know how hot I look.

Then something terrible happened. My metabolism slowed and slowed, and food became a battle.  Not just because I could no longer eat whatever I wanted, but because food is also something I turn to when I am stressed or depressed.  Of course, the same time my metabolism slowed I also went through a divorce and boy oh boy did the pounds come on then. I went from around 185 (I was 165 in the pic above) to a whopping 275 near the end of my 30’s.  To prove this, I have a photo taken of me at Skywalker Ranch. Yes, THE George Lucas Skywalker Ranch – do you know how HARD it is to work in an excuse to brag about that one. I’m the tall young one on the right.  Not sure who the statue is of, but it looked pretty cool.

So you can see I put on a few pounds and lost a few hairs (but that’s a blog for another day).  Some time after this picture was taken, my beautiful wife, She Said, and I decided it was time to crack down and work on our weight.  It took a long time and many struggles, but we did it.  I actually rocked my way back down to 210 and was feeling really good about myself.  Here I am in 2005.  Looking pretty slim if I do say so myself.

But I was never able to keep my weight down that low.  It has always been a struggle and while I knew that I have been putting my weight back on ever since we went to China, I have not done anything about it, nor have I really wanted to.

Until today.

Today I was walking out of the office with one of the China employees who is here visiting, and he looked at me and squinted his face.  This is the look I am all too familiar with.  It is the look he gets on his face when he is processing language translations so that he can say something he is not sure of the correct English for.

“You are looking different since you were in Beijing.”

“Really? I did shave my head this weekend,” I say.

“No,” he replies, “you are looking rounder.”

“Are you saying I have gotten fat?”

“Yes,” he says, “Why is that? Too many burgers?”, which with his Chinese accent comes out sounding like “boogers”, but I get the point.

I need to ride my bike to work.

Or eat fewer boogers.

SpaChinglish

Posted by She Said

All right, it is the new year, and nothing like sharing an old story to kick my ass into writing again. So, here goes…

Those of you who have stuck with us for a while now know that our last week in China last year included the flat lining of our only functioning, blog-posting capable computer. No amount of wire hangers weighed down with the perfect amount of clothing could revive it. Trust me, we tried. And tried again.

This really sucked because it was our last week in China, which included our vacation to Xi’an. An incredible week with wonderful friends, it was filled will all sorts of fodder for witty and adventurous posts, like the trip to see the Terra Cotta Soldiers. Yeah, the soldiers were spectacular, but it was the getting there that I am going to tell you about.

Our friends, Lilian and Chang, helped get us all onto a tour bus headed to see the soldiers. As the bus started to head out of town, a young Chinese woman stood at the front of the bus and, using a microphone, began what seemed to us to be a very detailed description of how the tour was going to work. Of course, Greg and I don’t speak Mandarin, so it was only a guess that it was something important about the day’s events because she talked non-stop for at least twenty minutes. TWENTY MINUTES. That’s plenty of time to let your imagination go wild with translation possibilities.

Anyway, after she finished, and my eyes returned to a non-glassed-over state, Greg and I turned to Lilian and Chang in the row behind us and asked, “So, what did she say?”

Chang: She talked about the trip.

Me: How is it going to work?

Chang: I’m not sure.

Me: But we are going to see the Terra Cotta Soldiers, right?

Chang: I think so. We are going to make a stop at the Hot Springs.

Me: Oh! We are going to see something else?

Chang: I’m not sure.

And… queue confusion.

Meanwhile, the two gentlemen sitting across from us were listening intently to our conversation. They appeared to be in their late 30s/early 40s, and one was Chinese, and the other appeared Caucasian. Then the Caucasian guy asked Greg and me a question, making it apparent he was of Spanish decent.

Spanish guy: <in English-as-a-second language> Do you know how the tour works?

Greg: No. We were just trying to figure that out.

Chang: <in English-as-a-second language> We are going to stop at the Hot Springs.

Spanish guy: We don’t have a lot of time today. Do we have to tour the Hot Springs too?

Chang: I don’t know.

Then to make things even more interesting, we found out that Spanish guy’s friend was a Chinese-born Spaniard, whose primary language was Spanish. He had left China at 4-years old, and was completely immersed into the Spanish culture, including Spanish school, thus making Spanish his primary language. However, interestingly enough, while he and his friend were visiting various places in China, his Chinese language skills, not used since he was four, were surfacing in a primitive form. In order to help with the language barrier between Greg and I <English speaking>, and them <Spanish speaking>, he tried talking to Chang and Lilian in Chinese to figure out what was going on with the tour.

Chinese Spaniard: <something in Chinese>

Chang: <something in Chinese>

Chinese Spaniard to Spanish guy: <something in Spanish>

Spanish guy to us: I’m not sure how this is going to work.

Us to Chang and Lilian: <something in English>

Chang to Chinese Spaniard: <something in Chinese>

Chinese Spaniard to Spanish guy: <something in Spanish>

Spanish guy to us: <something in English>

Us: Ah! OK! I think we’ve got it!

We all had a very good laugh about the confusion, but we completely appreciated how a little SpaChinglish could be used to solve a mystery.

 

(Lilian and Chang)

How Do You Say Box Wine in Mandarin Chinese?

I’ve been a bit absent lately for a couple of reasons. First, I haven’t been feeling all that great, but I am happy to report that I am starting to feel better. Hooray! Second, my head is going to pop thinking about some life changes coming down the pipeline. You know, little things.

Like what, you ask?

LIKE MOVING TO BEIJING, CHINA FOR 6 MONTHS!

Yup. You read right. Now, it isn’t etched in stone, but Greg’s work wants to send him to Beijing to train a new group of people in the art of game making. And being a stay-at-home mom, there is no reason why we can’t go along with him for this uber cultural experience. Now, I have to admit that at first I was all WHAT? CHINA? BUT… BUT… AGH!

*pop* <--- The sound of my head exploding.

And then I started talking to people who were all CHINA! COOL! WHAT AN EXPERIENCE!!! So, I actually started to think about it seriously, and now I’m very excited about it. I’m nervous beyond belief about everything we need to do to prepare a family for this temporary move, but also very excited. I’m nervous about the submersion into a culture with which I’m not hugely familiar, but also challenged. So far to get prepared, we have:

• shown the kids on google earth where Beijing is (“the other side of the world”)
• checked out a bunch of books and movies from the library about Beijing and Chinese culture
• checked out a Mandarin Chinese language program from the library
• scoured the Internet on expat experiences and recommendations
• asked about a bazillion questions
• created to do list after to do list
• started recording Ni Hao, Kai-Lan on Nickelodeon

So, I’ve only learned a couple of words in Mandarin Chinese so far. It is a very tough language to learn. OK, maybe it’s that I’m older now and it doesn’t stick to my I-have-had-two-kids-and-subsequently-lots-of-wine brain. Whatever the reason, I remember one word and forget the last one I learned. It’s freakin’ hard! Nothing like the Spanish and French I learned in school. So, thanks to Kai-Lan and her grandpa, I have learned:

• Ni hao – hello
• la – pull
• yeah-yeah – grandpa

As you can see, I have a lot of work to do. Since the language relies a lot on tone to deliver meaning, one word or sound can have multiple meanings depending on the way it is said. The word for wine, from what I understand, can mean old, nine, or wine. So, when I go into the store asking for box wine, I’m either going to get beat up for calling someone old, going to be constantly escorted to aisle nine, or going to get the golden liquid that I desire. Please, please, keep your fingers crossed for the latter.

A Saturday Quest

Posted by He Said

At home in Reno I have two friends.  Interestingly enough I knew them both for some time before they finally met each other and fell in love.  I actually had a little to do with her coming to work with me at my recent job where she eventually met, fell in love with and ultimately married my coworker.

He is an Anti-Apple Fanatic, Microsoft Fanboy who by looking at him you would think he is the secret love child between Bill Gates and… um… well if Bill Gates could self propagate you would have my friend. The woman is an Apple iPhone fan with an obsession for all things iPhone related (and a secret lust for an Apple computer I think).  They both rock.  I was lucky enough to be the best man at their wedding and am lucky enough to call them friends.

To protect the names of the innocent in this story, let’s call them “Kevin” and “Barbara.”

I come to China and find out the one and ONLY Apple store in all of China is right here in Beijing. A short 20 minute subway right and 15 minute walk away.  I HAD to go there so I could take pictures and share them with “Barbara.”

So here is the iconic apple logo on the store in Sanlitun Village, Beijing.

 

Here is the family pretending to try to get a call through on the oversized iPhone. We were not successful.

Here is me NOT REALLY pretending to contemplate buying a Macbook Pro.

These pictures were not really for “Barbara”, but so I could piss off “Kevin” FOR “Barbara.” I am pretty sure it was successful because every time he Skypes me he waves his quality wines in my face and says “oh, sorry, I keep forgetting all the wine you get in China is CRAP!”

I wanted so badly to take pictures to share with “Kevin”  of the Microsoft campus being built right behind my apartment.  Not FOR him, but so I could also piss him off, because I have been here and he hasn’t. Neener neener neeeener.  Yes.  I am a child. Alas, there are no signs to include in pictures so they could be one of 20,000 other new buildings being erected here in Beijing.

Instead I concocted the most wonderful plan.  The most wonderfully evil of all plans.  I found a new target.  A new location that only I could visit and “Kevin” would forever be jealous of.  This morning I managed to convince the entire family to embark on my Saturday quest.

This would take me about 20 minutes across two subway lines, one very busy transfer station and a 20 minute trek through a local sidewalk market complete with shoes, clothing, mobile tattoo & piercing parlors, “professional” phone screen protection installation stations, bead, book and yes, rabbit, turtle, snake and baby chicken salesmen. Let’s not forget the socks.  Everywhere we go someone is always trying to sell us socks or there are tables full of socks for sale.

As you can see I didn’t go alone on this quest.  I took the whole family with me, and as always, it was an adventure.

We stopped to feed the kids along the way (yes, at McDonald’s, shut up and leave us alone) and enjoyed more “Brangelina visits yet another location in Beijing and gets nonstop attention and praise” moments. By the way Braedyn is getting as much attention these days as Emily.

This sidewalk sales lady insisted Emily use her chair while we waited for Susanne to order food (using her iPhone of course).

 

Then we headed up the street with me using a screencap of Google maps to find the destination of our Saturday Quest. You see it is too expensive to use AT&T here, and my phone has the latest software/firmware and cannot be unlocked to be used with ChinaTelecom.  So I can only use it online on a wi-fi connection. On the road, there is no live feed.

We also had to make one stop along the way so that Emily could pretend to make a phone call home to Jacob.  It was very sweet.  For you young whipper snappers out there, that is a Pay Phone.  You can look it up on wikipedia.

And there it is…in the distance…the object of our quest. Can you see it?

That’s right.  Google Beijing headquarters.  The holy grail of Beijing Nerddom, and I found it WITHOUT an internet connection using a screencap from GOOGLE maps on my iPHONE.

Oh, the irony.

So here it is “Kevin.”  Google Beijing visited by the Moyle family just for you.

Oh, and you know that saying they have? “Don’t be evil.”  HA! The bastards wouldn’t even let me take pictures of the 10 foot red map marker in the lobby. I could understand if the secret to their search algorithm was printed on it. It looked like the ones you see here:

 
Won’t let me take a picture? Hmph, see if I ever Google anything ever again.  Or better yet I will continue to use Google. I just wont ever click on any of your stupid ads, and I will tell all my friends…all two of them…never to click on your ads. We will drive you to BANKRUPTCY!

See how that works out for you, GoogleDevil! I JUST WANTED ONE PICTURE IN YOUR LOBBY!!!

Jerks.

I think I will go buy a MacBook now.

Update: Some of you with an attention to detail will likely point out that I said a 20 minute walk.  The Google map screenshot says 8 minutes.  Google Maps does not have an option to select Walk With Caucasion Children Through Beijing.

Dropbox Saves The Day, Then Screws With Me

Posted by He Said

While we were in Beijing there were several tools that made our life easier but none was more useful than Dropbox. This personal version control on steroids allowed me to quickly and easily share files with friends and family as well as come home from work to find my my recorded TV shows already on Susanne’s laptop as well as easily upload images to Picasa.  Picasa you ask (well if you don’t ask I will ask for you)?

Along with Facebook and Twitter we found that http://Picasaweb.google.com is blocked in China.  As this is my web album of choice it made it difficult for me to upload images. On the PC that we left at home I configured one album for each month we would be gone to automatically web sync to Picasa.  These three folders were located in my Dropbox folder.  This meant that all I had to do in China was drop my daily pictures into my Dropbox picture folders and wait for them to be magically synced to my PC here in Reno, then automatically uploaded and synced to my Picasa web albums (March, April 1 & 2, May 1 & 2).

It worked magically till the day it didn’t.

I used another tool of choice called LogMeIn (which allows me to control any PC from any other PC, or from my iPhone using LogMeIn Ignition) to access my PC only to find my C drive full!  The PC uses a small 30gb SSD drive as the primary boot partition and a secondary drive for everything else.  When I left I had 15gb free.  I kept logging in only to find the C drive full.  After some digging I found the issue. 

Dropbox keeps a cache of files deleted and active in a cache folder on the C drive.  Even after I had deleted my TV shows from Dropbox they were still being held onto in the cache location and filling up my boot drive and causing all kinds of havoc.

Dropbox does not natively support changing the location, nor can it be changed from the registry (that I am aware of).  In Windows 7 the files are stored in the C:\Users\YourUsername\AppData\Roaming\Dropbox\cache folder so installing the application to a different drive will not solve the problem.  After a quick search I ran across only one application to address this, and it did not meet my needs. DropBoxDataWrapper requires you uninstall Dropbox first and I did not want to do this.

So I fixed this myself and I didn’t have to uninstall and reinstall anything and now my C drive is happy.

Of course the week before I left China the Chinese government blocked Dropbox as well.  I think they wanted keep American Idol out of the country.  You know, to preserve their youth’s innocence.

How To Move The Dropbox Cache Folder

Windows 7 / Vista:

1. Shutdown Dropbox
2. Browse to your Dropbox cache location
• Likely here c:\Users\YourUsername\AppData\Roaming\Dropbox
3. Move the entire cache folder to another drive location. 
• I created F:\Program Files\Dropbox\cache folder.
4. Execute the command (using your correct path locations)
• mklink /D C:\Users\YourUsername\AppData\Roaming\Dropbox\cache “F:\Program Files\Dropbox\cache”
• Be sure to use quotes around the folder name if there are spaces
5. You should see a new folder created in the location of your original cache location.  It will have a shortcut arrow, and if you open it, you should be directed to the new location of your cache folder.
6. Restart Dropbox and rejoice

Windows XP

Windows XP does not include the mklink command.  You can use junction.exe or linkd.exe to create symbolic links7 using similar steps as shown above for Win 7/Vista.  Instructions for junction can be found at Microsofts Technet.

Let Freedom Ring

Posted by He Said

This post has been removed.  While I was passionate about writing it, my concerns for myself and my family while I am overseas outweigh the need to express myself. 

This post will be revisited when I return home.

Updated 6-27-10

I originally wrote this while in China after visiting Tiananmen Square in Beijing.  After posting it I became concerned for many reasons,valid or not.  I have reposted it here from American soil.

The Original Post:

Today we visited Tiananmen Square (pronounced here Tee-awn AWN en). If you have been living under a rock, or are under the age of 30 you may not even understand the significance of Tiananmen Square to those of us who come from a free country. In fact, although it is on the top 10 travel checklist for Beijing on every travel site we have visited and all hosts have recommended it, I think that it has tourist value for very different reasons.

Here Tiananmen Square (which was first built in 1651, although the Tiananmen Gate was built in 1417) is important for its place in Chinese culture for the proclamation of the People's Republic of China by Mao Zedong on October 1, 1949 as well as the burial place of Mao himself. As important as his resting place is historically, it was not on our list of “let’s stand in line for HOURS ON END with two children” to see a dead guy who started this country down the path of communism. It is not referred to here in this light. It seems like most people discuss this here (in my experience) with reverence and pride. Of course, they live here so they know where the big man keeps the hidden cameras and microphones.

Mao Zedong Mausoleum

I wanted to see it for a different reason. Tiananmen Square stands out in my mind as a place where people stood in protest for their freedoms against great adversity. Many lost their lives for their opinions and beliefs. This is why I wanted to see Tiananmen Square. Ironically enough if I try to visit the Wikipedia page linked from the top of theTiananmen Square Wikipedia page, “For the 1989 protests, see Tiananmen Square protests of 1989.” this is what I see.

This is no surprise to me. Although it is quite easy for all of you living in free countries, or those without internet restrictions to see THIS page, the very page you are reading right now, I cannot even POST it without extreme technical challenges because the majority of public blogging sites are blocked. Nor can I or any citizen of China read a page about the historical facts about the government actions against its own people in 1989 on the very grounds from which this countries People’s Republic was declared 40 years earlier. This was what drew me toTiananmen Square.

We headed off this morning with no real plan, only get on the subway line 10, switch to Line 1 and get off atTiananmen East, and thanks to my 99 cent iPhone app we got there (even without wifi and 3G thank you very much) safely. We have become subway pros here.  When we got out of the subway at Tiananmen East we had no idea what to expect.  I knew that this area was significant, large and used for government events (it had been closed to the public just weeks before for that purpose).  All I knew was that Tiananmen Square was on the left and Forbidden City was on the right, and we needed to head east.

So east we went. Following the crowds of local Chinese we moved in the direction of the square.  The street here is huge.  Twelve lanes in fact. So large there are no crosswalks, no bridges, but only underpass walkways to take you across.  I don’t think this photo begins to convey the size of this road.  I guess it needs to be large to accommodate the tanks.

April 5th is a national Chinese holiday (Qingming Festival or Tomb-Sweeping Day) so the crowds of people in the square were quite large.  We are not talking shoulder to shoulder, but crowded nonetheless.

There were security checkpoints to enter the square.  Now realize that the square is just that.  A large tiled area with a monument in the middle and Mao’s tomb at one end.  But we had to enter a tent, have our bags x-rayed and some people were even scanned with metal detector wands.

As we entered the security checkpoint area I leaned into Susanne and whispered in my most serious voice “You don’t have any Freedom in the backpack do you?”

Inside the square Braedyn asked “why are we here?” referring to the square.  I knelt down beside him and began to try to explain to a 6 year old about student protests in 1989 and how the Chinese government used tanks to stop the people from protesting.  I explained that people died.  They died for doing things that we at home can do, like expressing our opinions. I tried to explain to a 6 year old boy, standing on the same ground that tanks once rolled against protesters that they do not enjoy the same freedoms here that we do at home.

I was almost brought to tears trying to explain it to him. He may not have understood completely. But I did, and it moved me.

Tiananmen Square as viewed looking across to Mao Zedong Mausoleum at the far side. 
Original image can be found here. 
Licensed under the GFDL by the author. 
Released under the GNU Free Documentation License.

Hidden Children in the City, errr, I Mean Children in The Forbidden City

Posted by She Said

Last weekend was a three-day holiday here in China. After visiting Fragrant Hills on Friday, Google, The Bird’s Nest, and The Water Cube on Saturday, and a full day of shopping on Sunday, what better way to end the holiday weekend than visit a place everyone else in China was visiting at the same time?

(The line to get tickets.)

That’s right. We decided to go to the Forbidden City. This palatial estate was built roughly 600 years ago and spans almost 8 million square feet.

(picture courtesy of Wikipedia)

We were very fortunate to have Greg’s coworker, Jun, and her mother, May, join us for the day. We started by visiting the Tiananmen Gate, which is the primary building in the above picture. Behind the gate is the Forbidden City. In front of the gate is Tiananmen Square. This cost an additional 15 yuan ($2.25) for the adults, and the children were free. Score! There was just one catch. No bags whatsoever were allowed. Thank goodness I bought capris the day before on my shopping spree that had cargo pockets to hold all of our passports and my wallet. We then checked our bags into a place that seemed completely disorganized and confusing and was completely swarmed with people trying to do the same thing.

To get up to the top of the Gate, we first had to go through a security check. Males and females were separated into different lines. For once, the men’s line was longer than the women’s line. Kind of refreshing actually.

Emily, Jun, May, and I were simply waived through the security “check”, and then we waited for Greg and Braedyn to get through their long line. When they did get through, Greg’s bright red cheeks were very telling. Apparently he was not simply waived through, but was felt up and patted down quite thoroughly. He looked back at the security check, and if I hadn’t known better, I’d swear he was looking for a way to get back in line for another round of that little extra somethin’-somethin’.

I’m sure this next part might get old hearing about, but this is our blog, so you just have to suck it up. Much of our day was spent being asked (or gestured) to take pictures of our kids or being asked if they could pose with them and have their pictures taken. Much of Emily’s day was spent clamoring away from random touches and from numerous cheek and hair strokes. It was also spent running away from, and I do mean literally running away from, strangers’ camera lenses. And because it was a holiday weekend, we were told many visitors that day were from other areas of China, not just Beijing. Translation: Emily and Braedyn were even more of an anomaly to those from outside of Beijing.

This next picture taken at the top of the Tiananmen Gate by Greg really sums up Emily’s experience:

After having a temper tantrum about not wanting to have her picture taken again, she ran off, screaming. Those of you who have had the pleasure of hearing her eardrum-piercing, glass-shattering screams can imagine that it did in fact NOT help with diverting attention AWAY from her. In fact, quite the opposite happened. Although everyone is giving the wild child space during her tantrum, all eyes and camera lenses are on her, including the one on the tripod. And I thought the tantrum pictures at The Great Wall were good.

Emily kept asking, “Daddy, can I be on your elbows?”, meaning she wanted to ride on Greg’s shoulders. He pleaded with her to just walk because her being on his shoulders just made them a beacon. She didn’t care, she was out of reach from random touches.

The attention to the kids became so bad that at one point we hid behind a tree while we had a snack and waited for Jun to graciously tackle the long lines to get our tickets into the rest of the Forbidden City.

Our anonymity did not last long, however, and we had to start moving. Movement is the best defense we have learned. And it’s not like the police would be any help if we needed it.

 
Once inside, the magnitude of the buildings truly became apparent.

(Jun and her mother, May)

The details at every turn were intricate and remarkable.

 
And the colors were glorious. I can only imagine how it must have felt to be there during its heyday.

My favorite part of the Forbidden City had to be the imperial gardens. Braedyn and I quickly swooped in and had our picture taken in the very spot emperors had their wedding pictures taken.

The grounds were meticulously cared for. OK, let me clarify that. The foliage was meticulously cared for. Trust me, there is a difference. We particularly enjoyed the old trees, which appeared to be almost as old as Greg.

After making our way from one end of the Forbidden City to the other, we called it a day and bid Jun and May farewell. We decided to poke around that area of town a little longer, and I am happy we did. Greg was trying to find a specific restaurant he had heard of, but instead we found a magnificent little park with a river running through it that fed into the Forbidden City.

  
A beautiful ending to a jam-packed weekend. Next time we do this, I need to know just one thing. Anyone know where Michael Jackson got those stylish veils for his kids to wear out in public? If you do, please order me two.

Learning To Swear In Chinese

Posted by He Said

We have a fairly regular routine here.  Almost every evening (yes every evening, shut up) I send Susanne off to the 7-Eleven across the street to pick up some of our favorite (ok, cheap) beer. 

You see without a 5 liter box of wine in the fridge, or a car to drive home the suitcase of PBR or even the room in the fridge to KEEP a suitcase of beer we have to purchase our evening adult beverage on regular basis.

Today it was my turn.  As we headed home after a long day of shopping and electronics browsing (oh, that is another blog in itself) I offered to head over to 7-Eleven to pick up some beer.  Susanne pulled the shopping bag out of the backpack, you see they charge you for plastic bags here, and I headed over as she headed home with the kids.

Once in the store I knew right where the beers were, because I can see Susanne selecting the beer in the store from our apartment window on the 10th floor.  I promptly grabbed four large bottles.  Let me tell you, these bottles are HEAVY (thick glass and NOT 12 ounces). I knew right away I was doing a bit of a balancing act trying to hold four large bottles of beer against my chest. 

Then what do I do? I start looking at wine. Like I needed ANOTHER bottle to carry.  Any normal human being would have put the bottles in the bag or looked for a shopping basket.  But I am a AMERICAN MALE in China for crying out loud.  I don’t need any help. I can do this and I was doing fine until I spotted the bottle of Jack and Coke for under 3 bucks.  Way cheaper for the cost/buzz ratio than the wine which we find very expensive at 7-Eleven.

This is when I made my fatal mistake.  I reached out to pick up a bottle of the dark beverage of the gods (bottled in Australia of all places ).

I had just reached for one to many items when a bottle of the beer slips from my grasp.

It was as though time slowed.  I could feel the bottle sliding down my body and I know there was no way to catch it without throwing all 4 other bottles I was now holding, the three remaining bottles of beer and a bottle of jack and coke, into the air and trying to juggle them.  I can assure you.  I cannot juggle. I felt the cold bottle slide down my inner thigh and I tried to catch the bottle with my foot. I am thinking if my foot can take the impact the bottle will roll away.

I missed.

The last thought that raced through my mind was “Those glass bottles are thick, that baby is going to bounce, please bounce.”  Guess what dear reader, it didn’t.  It shattered like the dream of a virgin’s perfectly planned first sexual experience.  It shattered and sprayed cheap foamy beer and glass down three different aisles. 

Thank the FSM that THIS made it home.

And as it shattered I heard myself say “oooohhh Sheaaaahhhh.” 

Out of my mouth slides “Oh Sheaaaahhhh!” What? What did I just say?

That’s right.  I censored myself in China. Oh, the irony. I apologized over and over again in English knowing full well they could not understand a word I was saying.

The checker knew perfectly well how to charge me for the broken bottle of beer.  When I got back to the apartment the first thing I looked up was how to say “oh shit” in Chinese.

I may go back and break another bottle just so I can shout out as loud as I can “oh gŏu-shĭ!” (哦狗屎).  It will be worth the 50 cents it will cost me.

I will learn how to say “sorry” later. I think I will use the swear words more often, or maybe I should just send Susanne to 7-Eleven instead.

Can You Hold that Thought Until I Get the Fish Bones out of My Teeth?

Posted by She Said.

 

Our much anticipated dinner with Greg’s coworkers was on Friday night, and we had a great time. And what is the phrase? Getting there is half the fun? As far as our kids go, I would say that was true. Why? There are no car seat laws here. I did some research prior to coming and could not find any significant reference to car seats in China. There were plenty of references about car seats MADE in China, but not necessarily using them while you were here. We figured most of our transportation would either be on foot or public transportation anyway, but tonight, Jason and Sinny, Greg’s coworkers, offered to pick us up and drive us to our big group dinner. Four of us, including the kids, sat in the back seat of Jason’s car. UNBUCKLED! *GASP* At first I tried to put Emily in my lap and put the seat belt around both of us. Greg turned around and said, “Well, THAT’S a good way to crush your daughter.” I gave up my battle with the belt. Hey, at least I tried.

The kids thought the free reign in the car was pretty cool and were quite rambunctious until I pulled out the tranquilizer, AKA iPod Touches, to calm them down. I have mentioned the traffic before, but we got a serious dose of it during Friday night rush hour traffic. It took us 2 hours to get to dinner (1/2 hour on the way home), making us about an hour late meeting the rest of the group. They were graciously and patiently waiting for us, and they all stood up and waved hello to us as we came in.

And then we started eating. Have I mentioned that my kids are picky eaters? OH YEAH, IN EVERY BLOG POST ABOUT FOOD. Well, it was no different tonight. I honestly believe they would enjoy some of the food if they would stop freaking out about what it looks like. Just ignore the fish head, Braedyn! Try the fish! Speaking of which… This amazing fish dish was placed on our table. Everyone uses their chopsticks to take pieces from the plates placed in the center of the table. I took one piece, and it was savory and scrumptious! As the fish was making its second pass around the lazy susan, I skillfully used my chopsticks to take another piece. As I put it in my mouth, I realized the piece I took was FULL of fish bones. As I scrambled looking for one of the two napkins they must have placed on the table for the ten of us, one of Greg’s coworkers stood to propose a toast. “Welcome!” he said, smiling at us. “Welcome!” said all the others, glasses raised. And there I am with a mouth full of fish bones and no napkin. I smiled, my teeth glinting from the shimmer of fish bones, and lifted my glass, toasting with the group. I then used my mad charade skills to get the one napkin left on the table. I SO did not want to be rude, but HELLO!? I had a mouth full of fish bones! I did my best to get them into the napkin and moved on.

It didn’t take long for my next blunder. Mere seconds, actually. I moved from the fish to the soybeans. I asked, “Are these soybeans?” “Yes!” I heard enthusiastically. I calculatedly used my chopsticks to pick one up from the community bowl and put it in my mouth. The instant it hit my tongue, I heard, “No, no, no, no, no!” Panicking, I pulled it out of my mouth with my fingers. They laughed and said, “Not the whole thing.” Then they showed me how you squeeze the pod to get the soybean into your mouth.

The night wasn’t all full of silly blunders on our part; in fact, we were complimented on how well we used our chopsticks. Score!

Many thanks to the gracious and patient localization team for a memorable evening! (Oh, and if you are wondering where Braedyn is in this shot, he is asleep in the chair behind me.)

Might As Well Walk Away

Posted by She Said

Several years ago, Greg and I bought a condo to help a family member out. In order to do this, we refinanced our house to put down the required 20%. You might be thinking, several years ago… wasn’t that the worst time EVER to buy any property? You might be wondering, wasn’t that at the peak of the housing bubble?

YES.

We purchased this condo at the going rate of $125,000. At the time, it was “hurry up and buy before the prices go up even more!” Now, the same condos are going for around $38,000.

You may be asking yourself if our bank has us by the balls?

YES.

For reasons I won’t go into, Greg and I put the condo up for sale prior to leaving for China. Yes, it would be a short sale. Yes, we’d be kissing the bank’s proverbial feet to forgive the loan difference. No, it was not feasible for us to keep it because we couldn’t rent it for anywhere near what our monthly mortgage plus HOA dues were and we simply could not make up the monthly difference out of our own pockets.

Very soon after the condo went on the market, we got an offer on it! A cash offer! Hooray, you must be thinking. Yes, hooray indeed. Only the freakin’ bank sat on it. And sat on it. And sat on it until we were about to leave China, almost three months after the offer was made. The bank “counter-offered” with what I consider to be equivalent to someone throwing a flaming bag of dog shit at our door. Seriously, they would accept the offer if we forked over $2,000 in cash AND signed a promissory note for an additional $11,000. Excuse me, which ATM machine would you like me to bend over?

We politely refused the counter offer, and the bank has been sitting on it AGAIN. We haven’t heard anything from them in about two  months only to hear today what I consider to be the biggest FUCK YOU news on our condo saga to date. It is possible the bank is ignoring us because based on the bank’s “mortgage insurance”, it may be financially better FOR THEM to let the condo go into foreclosure because they will receive more from the insurance than from the very acceptable CASH OFFER on the table. This seriously angers me to the core. So much so, that I figure if we are going to have one foreclosure on our credit, then it may as well be two. You may have seen that we are streamlining our life and have our house up on the market? Yeah. Why the hell not make it two.

Now some of you may be thinking that we accepted the terms of the loan and should just suck it up. Yes, we signed the loan papers. Some may even be pissed at us for attempting a short sale. I would expect that you would be the same people picketing businesses that leave establishments because of a bad business deal. Seriously, why is ok for businesses to write off bad deals but not individuals?

I’m so blissfully happy that all that freakin’ money that went into saving the banks has trickled down to us EVIL home owners.

Everything I Know I Learned From Ni Hao Kai-Lan

Posted By He Said

On our return trip from Tiananmen Square I was once again generously offered a seat on the subway because we have the children with us. This is not because we are famous (but we ALL know that we are over here) but is a behavior I have noticed done widely. People of all ages will offer their seats to those with children, or motion for the children to take the their seat. This, I can tell you after a day running from the Chinese papparazi chasing Brangelina, is welcomed with endless shea shea's (thank you's). By the end of a long day we are usually carrying the children so this is appreciated ALMOST as much as the cheeseburger I ate today that had REAL BEEF (at least it tasted like it did) with NO Asian twist and a HUGE slice of heavenly blue cheese. It could have been dog and cat for all I cared; it tasted like beef. So hey, if you are in Beijing, just look for the Union Bar and Grill over the Apple computer store in the Sanlitun Village. It's like coming home, but with more blue cheese.

No offense to Chinese food, but that burger was uh-fricking-mazing. I could blog about JUST that burger, oh and the Australian sitting next to us who talked through the entire meal. I don't think I heard one other person at the table utter more than a few words. He was the voice projector of the group Susanne said. After that I felt like he was a long lost brother, only better looking, with a sexy Australian accent who understood and LIKED sports. Ok, we both talk loud, that is about all we had in common.

So back to the subway. On the way home it was crowded. I bet you are saying to yourself “crowded in China on the subway, what an unusual experience,” and to that I say damn, you have NOT been paying attention. This is China, EVERYTHING is crowded. In the banks, they don't have lines. They have chairs and Take A Number machines like Baskin Robins on the Fourth Of July and they use them every day, all day long, and even on Sunday.

But yet again, I digress.

So there we are on the subway, and I have been generously given a seat at which point both children want to sit on my lap. Yes, I am a big guy, but I only have two legs (and they are big boned, not fat) and there is not much room for two children. But I managed to seat both children on my lap and in such a way that Emily actually fell asleep.

Braedyn was tired and yawning until Susanne pointed out the boy just a few seats down who was shyly eyeing Braedyn. Susanne encouraged Braedyn to say hello. This is where almost every Chinese word we know came into play.

Susanne: “Braedyn, say hello.”

Braedyn: “Ni Hao”

The Boy very carefully and methodically says: “Hello” and waves. Braedyn waves back.

You may have noticed that my child is trying to practice his Chinese and the little Chinese boy is trying to practice his English.

Our family chitter chatters in English for a bit and their family chitter chatters in Chinese a bit, and then the boy steps forward leaning through the crowd to hand Braedyn an apple. A gift. Such a sweet gesture that we are taken aback and Susanne searches through our bag for a reciprocal gift.

Braedyn: “Shea Shea”

The Boy: “You are welcome”.

More chitter chatter and finally I ask Braedyn , “how do you say apple in Chinese?”, and he stumbles for a bit, slightly embarrassed for all the attention he is getting. After all he sees there is a large group around us watching, listening, and the little anime blonde haired blue eyed girl is sleeping. All eyes are on him.

Finally he says “pingua?” and the Chinese family laughs and smiles and repeats “pingua” and our boy lights up because he has used yet ANOTHER word that we learned from Ni Hao Kai-Lan.

There is only one unused word left in our Chinese vocabulary.  One word I have not needed to use here and damn it Jacob, you better not make me a “yeah yeah” (grandfather) before I am 50, that’s all I can say.