Monday, March 29, 2010

Gimme My Mystery Meat!

Posted by He Said
Regular readers of this blog will have learned I have one or two quirks.  STOP SCROLLING TO THE BOTTOM TO COMMENT ALREADY.
One of those quirks is that I am a little bit picky about the foods I eat.  Meat is the norm and vegetables are, well, weeds.  Who eats weeds?  This can prove difficult for me because:
  1. My wife uses a cookbook at home called Deceptively Delicious so she can sneak all that wholesome weedy goodness into our meals.
  2. The Chinese use a cookbook called We Don’t Hide Shit – Eat Weeds and Love Them.
For the most part I can spot a vegetable a mile away.  I can make broccoli dance off my fork as I bring it to my mouth.  I can leave a Close Encounters sized mound of vegetables on my plate and get every tender morsel of meat in MAH BELLY!
This has worked fairly well for me so far, and I have found some really tasty dishes here.  Except cat.  I can’t find cat, but like I said, I am working on that.
On my morning walks, I pass by this vendor selling traditional Chinese breakfast foods, including what appear to be potato like pancakes (although I have not learned yet what these are called), iānbǐng (thin crispy omelets with fillings folded in), and all sorts of other mystery foods. 
And they serve yóutiáo.  Heavenly yóutiáo.  Chinese donuts, if you will.  These are by far my favorite, and at a whopping, step back, 15 cents they don’t break the bank. They are so much fried awesomeness that I am going to make you look at this picture AGAIN.
I have also seen iānbǐng, which can best be described as looking like a sealed taco.  I have been told these were filled with pork.  This sounds like food paradise to me.  Fried breaded thing stuffed with pork for PENNIES.  Bring it on.
On my way to work this morning I stopped to order my morning “donut” and brazenly asked in my best Susanne hand gestures for a iānbǐng as well. It cost me an extra 15 cents. 
I was so happy.  If you are familiar with Sting’s “Walking On The Moon”, you will know how I was feeling.  I was floating.  I was so out of my head rushing to get to work and sit down to enjoy my heavenly fried meat product that I almost was run over by a bicyclist.  I had to grab the handlebars to dodge him.  It was that close. I didn’t even care if it was MYSTERY MEAT. GIVE IT TO ME BABY!
I was so out of my head that I even got off the elevator on the 10th floor (I work on the 11th), because I confused my living floor with my working floor.  This city living is just so hard.  Especially when you are out of your head for mystery meat.
I ran up the final floor and made it to my desk without taking a bite on the run.  I wanted to savor each and every mouthful. I sat down, unwrapped my treasure from its greasy plastic protective coating and took a large bite, AND…
GAH! FREAKIN' VEGETABLES! I hate vegetables. They ruin everything. Especially when there is NO MEAT and they are in my BREAKFAST.
I was ruined for the entire day. I may have to eat an entire roast pig to make up for this blasphemy.
fcuk’ing vegetables.


  1. I love those "chinese donuts". They taste like beignets to me.

  2. Your posts always make me SO FREAKING HUNGRY.