Last night Susanne and I climbed into the ring with our mouth guards in, hands wrapped and mind prepped for the battle that is….dinner.
You see, our children don’t eat. Ever. I swear. And it’s not that they eat junk food all day, that I can assure you. Susanne shops at Whole Foods and they don’t sell Twinkies or Doritos as far as I know. Yes, they have cookies and such, but Susanne is doing her very best to feed them right and raise two children who will eat Captain Crunch with chocolate milk and a side of ice cream for breakfast as soon as they hit the college dining commons because they didn’t know such worldly delights EXISTED!
Last night for dinner they were served a MINISCULE serving of Caribbean jerk pork, rice, cheese, apples (for Braedyn) and applesauce (Emily). They wouldn’t touch any of it. I looked across at Susanne and said “If they at least eat the rice that would be a good thing. Children in poor countries survive on rice alone don’t they?” Susanne laughed and says “I was thinking the exact same thing”. We have been married long enough to have a Uni-Mind.
They didn’t eat the rice.
Both Emily and Braedyn got down from the table after asking to be excused for the 15th time. That’s the legal limit. As a parent you have to say yes or you are required to make Mac & Cheese. We say yes. I could see that Susanne was frustrated and ready to try something new when her furrowed brow straightened and she smiled.
Susanne: “Emily, watch this..” as she scoops a forkful of rice. “Abracadabra, alakazue watch me turn this rice BLUE!”
It must have been some helluva magic spell, because not only was I convinced the rice was blue but Emily comes running over with her mouth open like a boa swallowing a crocodile. I swear her jaw was unhinged. Next time I will get a picture.
I pinched myself. I must be dreaming. Now I am sure that none of you have heard that exact magic spell before, variations yes, but not that exact spell and neither have I. It was at that point that Susanne started pulling all the spells she could out of her magic hat. What I was wondering, do magic spells have to rhyme? Apparently so, but they don’t have to make sense to work.
“Alakazuba spooga, zoo, make this rice tasty goo”
That wouldn’t have sold me but Emily ate it. Then it got worse.
“Ah-La kazaba naba nooby nood watch me turn this rice into Princess food!”
Emily takes another bite as Susanne offers it. At this point I am trying to keep my rice from coming out of my nose like a Gattling gun. Seriously. Any parent knows if you laugh, the kids will know something is wrong and the gig is up.
“Smackity spickety speegally spoo this rice is now ooogally oooh”
It still worked. It’s a good thing Emily finished her rice first because if she had done it one more time my Pepsi would have propelled my rice out of my nose at high velocity and somebody could have gotten hurt.