But DADDY Can Do It

The more bells and whistles the sport of TV watching gets, the easier and more convenient for us as adults it becomes to partake. With DVRs we can start watching Desperate Housewives 25 minutes after it started, skip all the ads, and end up finishing at the same time we would have had we watched it live. Hey, that’s 25 more Facebook minutes! Whoohoo! We can watch both LOST and American Idol; no more picking one over the other. We can record our children’s favorite shows for playback at a more convenient time. These shows can then be watched over and over and over and over again until we as parents can quote Peep, Chirp, and Quack or Abby and Ty. With hit TV shows on DVD we can swiftly watch two seasons of Dexter in less than two weeks. Never mind the painful process of having to wait a whole year for the next season to come out on DVD! And my favorite bell and whistle? Pause and pee.

Greg LOVES to tease me about how I didn’t want the ability to pause live TV when he first suggested we get a DVR (then called a PVR) about eight years ago. I mean really, who NEEDS to do that? Aren’t we trying to save some money here? Can’t we just set up the VCR to record our shows? (Remember, this was about eight years ago. Don’t scoff at me TOO much.) OK, OK, he obviously won on THIS one, because I don’t know what I’d do without the ease of recording, pausing, skipping, and rewinding shows on TV. Oh, and then there’s the crucial pausing and peeing when the need calls. Sadly, for me, that’s a lot.

Two problems have risen from our TV watching. They were unforeseen, and they are pains in the ass.

First, the damn commercials. “Mommy, can you skip past the ads?” Sometimes Braedyn gets a “Sure, bud, hang on.” Other times he gets a, “Nope, sorry, it’s live tv.” Braedyn is going to be on the debate team one day. I am as certain of this as I am that I will need to pause and pee sometime tonight. Braedyn can argue with me until he is blue in the face. Or until I am. “But DADDY can skip past the ads.” “But I have SEEN you skip past them before.” “But why can’t you skip past them this time?”

Second, the damn commercials:

“Look at this toy, Mommy! I want THAT toy!” You don’t have enough saved up.

“Look at this toy, Mommy! It’s so COOOOOL!” You’re birthday is coming up; make a list.

“That toy flies, Mommy!” Christmas is coming. Ask Santa.

“Look at THIS, Mommy!” Ignore.

“Look, Mommy, you dip that cookie in milk and then it ‘tasteses’ YUMMY!” The ubiquitous THEY want you to THINK it tastes good so you’ll go spend your saved up money on what THEY want you to buy. That way THEY have money and YOU don’t.

“But we don’t have THAT cereal here, Mommy.” Because it’s not really cereal. It’s sugar in a box disguised to LOOK like a good breakfast idea.

“Whoa! I want THAT toy!” Um, you DO have that toy, and you don’t play with it now. “But it’s shaped different than the one I have.”

Oh, for the love of the flying spaghetti monster, help me now. Would someone please invent the commercialinator?